The Land of Clarification

The Land.......

Touching the Kingdom of your soul (in a few minutes, though this is pretty massive)

Perhaps my most famous device, or infamous depending on your closeness to political correctness, is a simple tool of human communication. Transcribed on scrolls of parchment (napkin) with hieroglyphics (American language, invented in 1980, by the founding fathers), with a quill pen saturated with the ink that feeds words to the gods (or one of the ten pens I had in my pocket at the time), I was forced to interject into a heated conversation in the fair month of April 2004, where one Rob F. had abruptly, and inexplicably, switched conversation topics in the midst of a heated debate between a number of people in the great colosuem of Littlepageopolis (a dining hall).

How does one correct this problem?:

First, interrupt the conversation after the violator enters open waters. Force them, and everyone around, to watch as you make an example of them by drawing a circle, and place in the very center a single dot. Make sure the circle is wide enough. Then draw another circle within the larger one, half the size. Throughout you must use wide hand gestures, loud noises, and exaggerated facial movements to keep their obviously limited attention. Dress up for this, present your best.

Now tell them forceably:

point to the small dot- this is "ON POINT," the exact topic that you and your friends are talking about, which is probably He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, because not only does Skelator offer alot of possibilities, but personal experience dictates that the previous days' drunken exploits, women, gender balance, politics or philosophy, or sports trivia do not make up a significant portion of the conversation of a group of college guys.

The Point: He-man and any known episodes

The first large circle around the point is known as

The Realm of Relativity:

Folks this region offers all sorts of possibilities. And you do not have to look stupid either. You could talk about any topic related to He-man, or any analysis or opinion:

-He-man's love life (Teela always remained slightly out of reach, partially because of her strong womanhood and her abilities weilding a sword, and yet also the over-bearing, though possibly incestual, Man-at-Arms. His name suggests alot. Evil-Lynn, however, remained a tantalizing possibility, because to her, Skelator, always seemed a bit cold, bony, and maniacal. Who knows what Evil things she could conjure up? Plus the sexual in-adequacy He-man feels and the need to ride a transformed house-cat, He-man's sudden need to draw out his sword, thereby revealing his completely different identity, which consists of, well, less clothing, and no mask, and shout out to no-one, or the enemies waiting to kill him, "I have the power," while they patiently sit and wait for the miraculous change and their (then) obvious doom. As you just witnessed, in this land any logical arguement or thought goes, as long as the group approves of its context within the topic.

You edge the border of the realm of relavitity when you bridge topics and go from He-man to another action figure based program, typically Barbie, which college guys often do. You should keep track of conversation topics, managing it, by placing an X in the part of the circle, indicating solidly the fortresses and landmarks in your conversation world, with each point from a participant. Typically these fill in the entire circle, proving to be a valuable coloring excercise.

Swamps of Elasticity:

If you have travelled to this swamp, you have clearly stretched the point to the outer limits, sort of like this blog, though you still remain in the circle. You have bridged topics, starting from the point of He-man, to the relative topics of Skelator's unpaid immigrant workers (how does Beast-man support his pups?) or even bridged to another action figure program, like Barbie, at the edge of reason.

In the swamps of elasticity, your members struggle to see the connection but go on in faith that you will somehow connect it back to what they really want to talk about: He-Man. Hurting their sense of pride and jealousy over their hidden feminity, you have been talking about Barbie's love life, the effects of plastic on the Barbie-world sense of style, and the submissivness and physical manipulation of Barbie, and well Ken, but that is the subject of which this group of gentlemen does not refer. Travel back to the center of Eternia (the circle). The Sorceress and Castle Greyskull (the point) cannot conjure back your reputation once you have left.

Now here comes the reckoning.

When you akwardly change the topic, interject something completely incoherent, consistently use a series of meaningless words or phrases, or choose one of a few specifically defined subject areas you have descended into the:

The No-Man's Land of Retardation- far outside the circle

When a person clearly has not been paying attention, they start saying things like "The Jets have the best team," or whining about their personal problems because of something they did to themself "I am tired, I am sick, I am single, (missing is the connection to the topic, because it is never the person's fault, rather it is : "because I was up all night watching He-man, like I do everynight, and I do nothing else").

Any of the following tardations should also require immediate banishment to the no-man's land, at any point or conversation:

politics- any attempt to bring in the subject. Included, but not limited to: are conspiracies, any and all comparison's (usually with college students they are poorly connected, incoherent raging, or not really thought out) of fantastical elements to real politics. Ex. "I think George Bush is like Skelator and John Kerry is the modern day He-man. What do you think about Cheney as the Beast-Man?" Whoa buddy, out line, out of context. You have entered the no-man's land of retardation. Get out fast.

addition of a personal or historical quote. "Abraham Lincoln. Abolitionist? I think not." JFey, in a rare moment of inebriation. "Nice guys finish last" He-man ALWAYS finishes FIRST!

mocking the topic: there are many funny characters in Eternia, but each deserves some dignity and self respect. Equal rights start in Eternia and its time to accept Orko for who he/she/it all are. The Masters of the Universe are nothing to joke about.

any mention of She-Ra: Keep She-Ra out of this, we dont need a certian gender to get any fantastical ideas about being a "Princess of Power." He-man never thought much of her, especially after she started competing for ratings and the 5-50 female demographic. Besides its No-MAN's Land for a reason. So let the boys do the heavy sword weilding and slow transformations into costumes.

Language is important as well. You enter the no-mans land by mixing up the wrong word/action with the wrong object:

"Hit the cell"

"peace out home slice"- by saying this, are you saying that you too are Italian, that the pizza is from your home country, and that we are leaving a peaceful restaurant where pizza is served, by the slice, in our own country? Are humans really slices of pizza to be divied out as a peace offering?

Obviousities: things that are so plainly obvious that to say them wastes the time of your participants

"Drop it like its hot"- humans, of course, will drop things when they are hot. Its human nature.

"Violence is Real" - My Mind's telling Me No, but My Body says Yes

Why should we be concerned if this continues?:

Good luck against retardation, when they think the people running the country are dumber than they are, and aim to replace them.

When you stay in the no-man's land of retardation you kill He-man, wreck Greyskull, empower She-Ra, and enter what is also known as the All-Skate Rink of Pink, the new all encompassing point with no circle, where all words, sayings, and topics are acceptable. Nobody understands each other and eventually it degenerates into mob rule, anarchy, and the end of the world. Sadly you really do have the power. Stay away from tardations.

....The Clarification (done in 10 minutes)

Now in the past few months I have driven myself, hard, to bring you the best that you have to offer on the internet, while taxing myself as little as possible. I have mocked your politics, and your politician, their rhetoric, your poetry, your horrible and underperforming sports teams, your lyrics, cute names for each other, quizzes and profiles, your music, the questionable colors and pictures (silly), your posts, your second person grammatical references (you you you, but why me? why are you so derogatory?), your words or quotes that are supposed to mean something, but nobody knows what the F you are talking about, nor reads into it, your personalities,.. ME I hate this ARGGGGGGHH.....

A rant towards your poetry: (see a Rant towards poetry) Chalked up to arrogance or simple brilliance, I have decided to post a little of your output, from some of my most devoted friends/followers at Marquee and elsewhere. I, personally, offer their poems and output, since responses to this blog are only open to those best qualified to answer these questions, (ok, Ill admit it, a "blog" isnt an open web discussion forum, it's a discussion group for qualified members on a specific topic, e.g. computers, economics, politics... etc., which is precisely why I chose a blog and not a journal, because frankly I dont want to share my personal life on the internet, and I dont really care what you have to say or think about it, except you Pooky...wink wink), and since registering would mean that you are qualified to talk about the boring, and useless stuff on the internet, like this rant, I feel it is best not to make an example of yourself and be the first one to copy this blog or post here, as few or none have, thereby showing your own stupidity, lack of creativity, lack of understanding of what I have been saying, and ability to waste our time with negative internet consumption, for to join and/or comment would mean we would be laughing at you, instead of me simply doing the pointing and the laughing. And then nobody wins, ok?

Forget all that, because based on my research and your responses, your mind cannot handle large paragraphs, (if you have gotten here or read this extra addition, typical of what I put on this blog) you probably missed some key point or aspect, for your mind tends to skip long things, unfamiliar or big words, commas (which, you, and me, seem to add, but do not understand, how much, they, confuse the sentence,) or gravitates towards colors (that are shiny). But I digress:

I have changed names so that people do not become offended:

oops out of time, maybe later

Wake me up......before you Go Go

Lincoln Parka and Evernevernescence- The sinister motives of these groups affects the way our youth work. I found another song, since "Lets get it started in heaaar"

When they wrote this song I think they had this blog/your profiles in mind, so like you I will select another set of lyrics from a song and hope you read every word:

"Nobody's Listening
By Lincoln Parka

Peep the style and the kids checking for it
the number one question is how could you ignore it
we drop right back in the cut over basement tracks with raps
that got you backing this up like [rewind that]
we're just rolling with the rhythm rise
from the ashes of stylistic divisionwith these non-stop lyrics
of life livingnot to be forgotten but still unforgiven
but in the meantime there are those who wannatalk this and that "

ok I cannot stomach anymore.......the pain.....


To another age old question, "Wake me up inside," even though the question mark isnt present, I propose the following, equally metrosexual, overly sensitive devices for life and workplace happiness. With this device, people will want to listen to your problems....the girl who is too popular, the wrong hair gell, the overabundance of masculine hygiene products, the wrong high-end SUV, the steady job, the out of place ghetto language....not only will you be woken up inside, but people will listen to you in a specific period of time, like the fifteen minute time limit for writing this:

The Daily Affirmation: This is no Stuart Smoley. **Added in Marquee Purple for effect
Idea: A group of grown, de-masculated men, of varied heights, builds, intelligences, shampoos, hairstyles, overly tight clothing, possibly one short, unnoticeable and much maligned female, gather to hold hands in a circle, gently swaying their sweaty hands together in and out of the circle, to emote each others' similar ethnic, racial, and sexual problems and malfunctions, possibly read some poetry about pain or hurt or the warnings from nearby boxes, spray bottles, etc., to show off vocabulary selected from military or political topics and show the relation between said hurt, pain, and warnings with words like "coalition of the spray bottles full of degreaser teardrops of my sorrow" or "vicariously" feel the pain of the gum away on your skin, or to further take time out of work, already shortened because of workplace restrictions, high wages, some horrible, whiny, and oddly shaped workers, and the routine cutting off of ears, to say in the following format:

Each member:
"Guys......(count to three slowly...1...2...3..)......Wow......It has been......."

Each response should be followed with three meaningful and happy glances to at least three other members in the circle, because one cannot (yet) smile at themself with the world of hurt in their hearts, unless one person joining is not liked, in which case a half smile, a firm slap to the back of the head by each other member, or making a smirk, will suffice. Group may sing, if they deem it neccessary to the spirit of a participant, in which case selections should be made from:
Elton John
Lincoln Parka
Boy George
Evernevernescense
"Afternoon Delight"
April Ravine
Lindsey Rohan

After the Affirmation (usually lasts at least two hours), members will be tired and simply quit. But there is the possibility that the members will be "woken up inside" and that at minimum people will give the impression of everybody listening.
*****This technique creates a happier person, Nine times out of a hundred percent