AH Bavaria The land of freedom, the land of vampires, the lands of nuts. Visiting Castle Bavaria, once a young luminary named Chel asked what it must be like to be one; A Bavarian that is. As time passed, as sports teams and their green and white colors fell through the edges of time and the cracks of acceptable NY state team performance, the strength of this question grew in importance as oppression sadled the poor nutty Bavarians.
http://www.mfiles.org.uk/downloads/about-strange-lands-and-people.mp3
- right click on link open file in new window and play whilst you read.
To be a nutty bavarian? The bavarians were so rich with life, or as they say in nearby Dutchland "Een festering varken zoogt van Teet van a manicured koe" or a "A festering pig suckles from the teet of a manicured cow," an invigorating metaphor about the region's overreliance on only one product and identity: nuts and vampirism, but done with a smile.
One African tribesman, because there is only one Africa, one tribe, one Quanza, and very few gothic African tribesmen, visiting under diplomatic overtures of King Nut of Bavaria, described these hearty people as "knock knock boom boom zuga zuga click." Others described their day to day life under dictatorship as "staring down the barrel of a .45."
Shining down on all of our serious talk of manicures and putting them aside, there comes a time in every man's or goth woman's life when he or she has to decide whether to commit wholeheartedly to a life of the vampires, or a life working at a minimum wage job. Towards sugary coating nutts and providing sexual services to strange kinderfolk on the village streets to maintain their dependence on gooey sugar--- or---- popping popcorn and slaying vampires in togas in their spare time in a small bavarian nut-making town. Reality is harsh, the two are indistinguishable for national identity says alot kinderfolks!
Alas we come to the rather lighthearted struggle of what to do about the motherland of Bavaria.
For too long the Counts of Chicherchon, an ancient clan of vampire lords, have oppressed the bavarian people and turned their production of roasted nuts into an international export and its people sacrificed in satanic rituals partaken by its members in large pink bunny suits with white togos to cover.Addicted to death metal, scared at their vulnerabilities, obsessed with false legal questions, and quick to anger, these Chicherchon vampires are more bunny and carrot stick style vampires than a dog howling somewhere deciding whether its bark can be a warning signal of its canines' damage effectiveness ratio in actual combat with another aggressive and communal species.
http://www.virtualsheetmusic.com/MIDI/Schubert/Maiden/04Presto.mid
The most ruthless of these leaders, the current Dark Warlord----- Michael, Count Chicherchon, bonerfied member of the global Pacifier Resistance, death incarnate, stalks the poor bavarian people seeking out the spirit of his Tayla, an American maiden forced to enter into the witness protection program while pursued by a band of freaks hounding her around the Hot Topics of the world.Sent by neccessity into the rotten world of country music, Tayla is now forced to square dance, watch the OC and hollywood squares as a sad diversion from her everyday helping of the Ozzbornes and Buffy, and poke a Perran cow at least once a day, renouncing all that is Good and Goth in the world today, something that could provoke the crazy Count even more in his fits of medication-induced insanity and lustful search.
As it was on the first walk in the woods that Death followed Tayla in the form of a rabid bunny, and forced her to reject the urge to hold him, erstwhile tempting her with a legal brief on the faults of the bavarian religion.
*Not mine......But I digress...
Insanity does not exist in Bavaria really, as sanity is the abnorm in a land of molasses tube narcotics, taken orally as many things are these days, and insanity (in bavaria) is the afro-desiac of normal relations of the mono-nut freaks. They like their men and women a little gothic, a little high on sugar and crazy, and their leaders a little vampirish.
*Still, the average bavarian cooks approximately 40 tons of nuts a year, in several different varieties, too tasty for many nut eaters to describe, too descriminatory for homo sapiens to disuade or disavow, and the beautiful result of a unisexual oppressed labor force and sex with kinderminors. Nuts are more common than the lice of the poor oppressed kinderwhore and despite the bunny vampire repression, they are also the Bavarian people's mainstay and majority foodstuff. (Cynder Lauper, Kinderwhore Casefile 1001)
*It's a proven fact, somewhere, and quite acceptable in France, that all tasty nuts come from Bavaria and that Bavaria has a population that is 99.9999999999% insane, dressing borderline dorky/hetero by modern metrosexual standards, or gothic, under the mandates of the Chicherchon oppressors. Lets deface it, you cant have crazy nuts without crazy people to make them, for all nutmeg comes from the upper class women of Bavaria named Meg, that the white trash poor of the sandy beaches of West Bavaria produce beachnuts, because God bless his soul Tupac Shakerbavaria died to make west coast, bavarian men free, 4 life!, and oppress their hoes to till da soil for nuts and sugar, and that the nutcracker is a unique form of Bavarian torture. The music, the ballet, are music of torture, to be played as you feel the pain.
*You cant have vampires without crazy people in black and you cant have crazy people in black affording vampire costumes without the nuts and the sugar to support and feed their latenight experimentations with three colors: white and black, and satan's red. In all the turmoil, in all the cooking experimentation and nut cultivation, one and only one non-insane girl attempts to escape the life of servitude, to stop the mindless hoards from forcing her adoption of social standard and escape the clutches of an evil villian doped up on his people's fruitful toilings. She will escape her fate perscriped by a doctor at a local rite-aid And sugar makes you crazy, so a cycle exists, you see......Anne Rice is bavarian too I think, otherwise how would she know the inside truth about all those vampires or get close enough to interview them without tasting their nuts? No people are more industrious!
To our heroine, freshly cut ready to be sniffed: Tayla gave up raw meat the day she saw Count Chicherchon slaughter and suck the blood out of a poor bavarian youth Kyle Speigal, turning the poor boy into sickening carrot stick--- partially because of the amount of time Kyle spent partying, DJ'ing polka parties, and doing illegal drugs. She dedicated herself from that day on to vegetarianism and renounced the brutal blood from which she once suckled.......
*Alas, They grew apart, Chicherchon and she in this timeless tail of non-tragedy and adventure, brotha-lovas devestated by the struggles of a relationship of rabbit-love, the preceeding fame of Bunnicula, the restraints of the physical, and the demands of the flesh. Like the tragic relationship of Screech and Mistress Turtle, they questioned their loving bond and pondered if they were ever together really as kindred spirits, cowboys of the same saddle, broken the backs of unfulfilled love, because goth relationships too can be mispercieved and blackened by the despair of a goth girl enamored by a foriegn people and their spicy dance moves.Vampires can also be demanding, mainly because of the high upkeep of their flowing gowns, top of the line legware, high collars, gelled hair, and dont forget their selfishness on blood donation day, and the cost of heating their castles in winter which provide enough oil for the heat-deprived poor of Jamaica........ and vegetarians, well those snotties are as recluse, yet ferocious lovers, as anyone, making the bavarians become the crazy ex that you all know you think you've had stalk you at the celery bar, a time when you're sure they were there watching you eat that carrot in a windowless locked room with no one else to be found. Do doors and germs scare you? Help is on the way in some form!
Yet: If there is one ethnic group in Bavaria, one that could tempt Tayla away from Bavarians, their nutty demands, and turn back to the primal shaking hips and mate like bon bons, titilating the body into surpassing the sensuality of rabit-breeding, another group racially profiled and adequately stereotyped, that most vigorously opposes the Chicherchons, it would be the Peurto Ricans.
The fear factor involved with their style of fighting, based of course on the powerful and revealing documentary evidence found in Michael Jackon's "Bad" video, is enough to disuade the Count from directly confronting the growing illegal minority of Bavaria. Plus he's tempted by the growing popularity of the Choco-Taco in nearby Swedenland.
Imagine for yourself, the lookalike to Count Dooku, the real dentistic father of Willy, his followers in pink bunny suits carrying around their hoarded stashes of bavarian sugared nuts, dressed similar to the wretched suit from the Christmas story movie, forced as a point of honor to bind their hands with ropes to their opponents and fight to the death with butter knives, overly greased up hair, and sensual black leather. They wouldnt last a nano-minute in the Matrix training program with Morpheus or Neo, nor an epic day in Martin Scoresese's version of the ghetto and they'd barely survive in the real Bavaria, truly reminiscent of the kind of global culture of the zombies from Thriller.
And they must fight with the likes of Michael Jackson, Marc Antony, and Jay Lo, all fierce and brutal combattants, willing to take ears, to pull the "pulled off your nose trick," to danse up close and personal, fighting in the only way that the Ricans know how: tied hands knife fights. No vampire or crazy bavarian in their right mind, if such a possibility exists, would approach such a situation, especially considering the recent music of Michael Jackson, the especially intimidating dance manuever where "A" crotch is grabbed, his attorney bills and their skills in defending him against totally baseful baseless true accusations of molestation in instances where most would agree he has no indefensible non-case, or better yet the amount of money invested in Jay Lo's crazy behind. One diva with a butt of gold, her own priceless nut if you like, is enough to counter the entire army of Chicherchon!
But Chicherchon does not rest easy, for the Rican rockets are certianly not unified in anything but musical rhythym and the universality and unexceptional nature of the true taco recipe (shell, meat, and cheese), even when they turn Count Chicherchon's face into a diarrahea of sorts because of the fake pull of your nose trick your grandfather always scared you with. If you must: a Latin induced salsa bowel of fury. Only one rican remains tough enough to oppose Chicherchon's devestation. We are all Ricans!
Chicherchon purchased a mail order bride from an Asian republic. Fiesty, and of course, like all others from that region, a certified Ninja, from the Ninja School of Asia, Ocarina was a monstrous and jealous hunter, sporting two large ninja swords with skulls on the ends of them to certify her commitment to Gothdom, searching everywhere to destroy Tayla and send her soul to eternal damnation to be reborn as yet another pheonix, the proper treatment of a rival in the Gothic world. Only asian ninjas can counter the Rican Rockets in Nutty Bavaria. So powerful was Ocarina that she hunted her poor country music-exposed victim across the horn of Africa to the cannoli ravaged cafes of Italy.
The Chicherchon War Machine- A giant search and destroy rabbit sent by the Count to find Tayla and bring her back to weirdom. Invading the land of the Italy-yans, it killed over 5000 people in stromboli arenas before finding Tayla's trail back to Bavaria.
When Tayla was betrothed by her tender daddy to her intended man-lover Gabrier, the Rican Prince, under the most illustrious auspices of a taco feast and a bavarian nut roast, the jealous Chicherchon, in an ordinary fit of rage, invaded the wedding hall and sacked the wedding guests, biting their necks as vampires do, and storming to Tayla, with no words past between them, only looks of lust and serenity....... only tears......
Death had come to claim his veggy maiden. Chicherchon had his band of assassins, the Badbass Bunny Band, attack and bring Tayla to the edge of death. Her own tenacity would spare her as she survived a trying hospital stay and sought to reclaim the sword of her assasinated daddy nut toasting master.
Before she nearly expired, her body a cold vegetable of her former darkened asparagan strength, she vowed: "By all that is good and Goth in this world I will avenge my wedding festival, desecrated in the eyes of the Goddess Vega"
Ocarina attacked and nearly killed Tayla. But the B4 kidnapped Gabrier, and Chicherchon took Gabrier's family colors worn proudly as a vest of courage..... Red to symbolize the blood shed in the exploitation of their labor and of immigration laws, a source of pride like the crazy outfits and storylines on the Spanish channel, and incorrectly placed Gabrier in exile on a one way raft trip to Cuba, assasininely assuming that Castro and he do not speak the same language even with a Bavarian dialect of the Spanish language. Chicherchon's insults humilated the proud Gabrier while the traditional wrist-tied knife fights were nixed in favor of an all-out vampire assualt.
Loaded with cigars, full of NYC and Rican Rocket fighting tactics, embarassed in front of the wedding guests, and enraged at the thoughts of his misplaced family vest of pride, Gabrier plotted his revenge on Chicherchon and his asian mail-order Ninja bride, while becoming another source of tension between the US and Cuba, other than baseball, and provoked families on both sides of the ocean to claim or send him back. By Salsa! he too would reclaim his family colors, avenge his father's death at the hands of another random street gang a decade before in NYC, and avenge his own exile!
The Search for Freedom, landmarks may pass, she might have her life, but will she ever have her freedom?Volume I:
Tayla would hunt down the assassins who attacked her on her wedding day. She would find Ocarina and show her the true humor of a goth attacking a master ninja!
Vega would save her with a lettuce shield that would horticulture her body behind the mistress's all-encompassing powers.
He would be hers. Kill Chicherchon!
Weakened and lacking protein, Tayla now struggles across Europe, believing herself part of no people on earth, the last good goth in a world of unforgiving and already-dressed-in-black races, a living example of the sole Jets fans still in existence, living as sparingly as possible off the sugar from the nuts of her bavarian aiders, supplementing her diet with barely enough raw materials to escape the grasp of Chicherchon and the bunny vampires, his own fill-in assasin bride, and escape the sugared insanity by living off of grass, ingesting onions and garlic to thwart her nightly vampire attacks, and coping with the negative effects of bad breath induced anti-vampirism on her gothic lifestyle.
Why does Tayla not fit in with the Nutty Bavarians? What makes her so special to resist the uniformity and the career driven youth of the nut packing industry?
Hunted and undernourished, Tayla boarded up with the leader of the Nutty Bavarian Resistance: the Chief Chel and her husband Baron van Christoph von Narz van Popperton. The epitome of a bavarian couple these two argued day and night with each other about vents, because it is important to the bavarian people to have adequate ventilation, sanitation, because it is a proven fact, in Polandtown, that all bavarian lovemaking occurs within the confine of full body rubber suits, provided as a special gift from Kindertrojan Corp., to provide sanitary inter-human/inter-nutt intercourse, plus the ipod's ability to facilitate nut making, and Kama Sutra, of course.
They rescued her from imprisonment and sent her to America where all sane people go.
You are Not Alone in your Struggles HEROES! The Overdramatized climax
The final battle of Bavaria, where Gabrier assualted the Count directly. Leading an army of himself, which inevitably meant a whole bunch more, he illegally crept into bavaria and assualted Chicherchon's lair deep in the second bedroom across from Mom's suite, in Castle Bavaria.Gabrier's only reinforcements, Michael Jackson, lept forward claiming "You are not alone" while grabbing himself. Rushing aggressively toward the castle defenses at the sight of the pinkened bunnies, he was caught in a forcefield of pain, slowing draining out his childish energy, a tricky move forced upon hero(ine?), Michael, as he tried to tie his remaining wrist to the Count. When the smaller ninjas attacked him, oops his shirt came undone. Jackson died to make Bavaria free from oppression, in most non-cases where true allegations of misconduct have been leveled.
When Gabrier arrived, the fiesta began.
"So-Dooku, Count Chicherchon, I will avenge my father and have you seen my vest?"
"NO and direct your questions to me -racial slur- with respect, for I, Count Chicherchon, wonder of wonders, easter of bunnies, counts of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, repeat it after me, have not seen your vest Rican Prince, your religion is false, and your time in Cuba was spent with other men, poorly funded athletic franchises, and cigars of ill-repute"
"Back up your words Count! I will fight you to the death. He-Ya!" He draws his pocket knife and Chicherchon faces down the aggressor with his deadly lightsaber, encrusted with a bavarian nut, and destructive lightening.
Clearly terrified at the Rican Prince's ferocity, Ocarina begged for the life of Chicherchon at the moment the knife fight was to begin. She saw what happened at the end of West Side Story on tape in music class in the eighth grade and she didnt want another song and dance number, because she couldnt stomach it, she didnt want to die stupidly, or have either of the men singing.
She admired her man, Chicherchon, a good solid man, a man who knew geology and what it meant to own a rock in a hard place, a man who knew every nut and bolt of the golden gate bridge visitor parking garage door, who could sniff a rotten pecan from an almond before coating it a foot away, a man who knew every major figure of the Goth world, one that saw Dominatrix Abba Lincoln in and out of a full goth uniform, the dr. doolittle of animal goths, the fashion police designer of the under-purchased Hot Topic apparel line, a virtual dictionary of evil and the exploits and misdeeds of a whole history of vampire nutty bavarian oppressors, who could defeat a stone in a rock paper scissors game, or rape and pillage a whole village to honor a defeat from his then sucked-dry opponent in the game of Risk, the kind of oppressor that would pay child hit-man support for her cloned ninja children, the kind of person she wished to grow old with.
She lept from her chair at the Count's feastly table, fresh from her lappish round of kinderwhore dancing, (thats what the polka gets ya called these days) and came between the two quarreling foes. It was in that instance, that the goth dealer Ocarina, six foot tall, thin as a giraffe, pictuesque in her ability to deal Goth to any opponent, felt a slight rumble in her heart for another man, a manly man, a spicy love that was the virtual sizzle of bacon on a fat man's greasy stove, a heart that for once glistened with a larded helping of seduction at first sight most get at Rosie O'Donnell on a warm day fully clothed, no uneccessary images needed. She threw off her black ninja garb to reveal her mistaken identity. A tall buxom dark haired model girl from America, she 'sigh a norad' to the stunned Count and into Gabrier's salsaic arms.
It was in that moment, of love for the Rican Prince, that Ocarina, overcome at that the sight of the Rican Rocket, caused Chicherchon's jealousy to overheat his fragile form. His body superheated, as he stormed out the door, and called Gabrier and Ocarina's work phone to beg and yell and threaten for a reconsideration, but he became drained as the blood of all his vanquished subjects evaporated to a sugary heaven, and weakened more from the fact that his wife was a hot model and not simply a brutal killer. The nuts flew out his ears, eyes, and -bleep- (this is quasi-family entertainment) and a thousand happy souls flew around his hardening body.
Chicherchon froze in place after the nuts had been blasted from him, still as a stone statue. The
worst nut of them all frozen in time.
Volume II:
Elsewhere- Tayla stopped her unhappy Do si Do, being yanked around by some bumpkin in Nebraska, named Tom Ned, a phd, nobel prize winner, for at that moment she knew that Vega would be replentished with minerals from Mother River Amazon, that her love potion she administered to the Ninja bride's Sock-ee during her captivity, worked in combination with the spice of Gabrier's flowing need for revenge, to defeat Chicherchon without the potential intoxicating effect of the bavarian nuts or his lustful aged eyes. She was not lured back to her death! She had killed Chicherchon.
A dove flew in the air, and another was crushed to death before being released by a screaming russian boy, the Macarena became popular once again, the original Pinto- an international automobile wonder again, a leper kettle roasted nuts for the first time in total freedom, and a heavy artillery piece nutcracked the remaining monument to evil, the Chicherchon statue, into a million pieces as 400,000 angry US Marines invaded to capture Gabrier and stop him from fighting, to await a possible free extradition to some independent Latin republic where the Puerto Ricans reside.
http://allhqmusic.com/go/http://delit.net/music/prelisten/0/120060.m3u
Now everyone could be like everyone else, finally Goths and Vegans could rebel against everyone and be happy in their own groups, and those people that you didnt want to be like, you could call them crazy and eat their food, taste their nuts, or adopt their music anyways.
By all that is good and goth in this world, we are all nutty bavarians!
