Sadly despite dozens of entries in the profile quiz, no winner of the title 'Master of the Internet" can be given at this time. In order to complete the education process, I require that each applicant write a 5000 word essay, 10 size font, on the topic of how you are feeling today and how that relates to me, after of course you've read all of this... Be persausive and be arrogant. Delving deep enough in your own problems, and then posting them for all, will educate everyone.
Since the Daily Affirmation covers the venting of metrosexual problems, through metrosexual devices (Lincoln Parka, Axe, facial cream of any sort, body spray)- basically menstruation for men- the logical companion is to see what happens not when failed metaphorical eggs of workplace problems and mascunility fails to mature, but when the eggs of education develops into a real baby. How do we bring about that baby? Will they be superheroes someday too? Why did she tell me that three or maybe four people were needed for the actual conception? What things do we need to know? How is it that I still do not know them? Was I told right that popcorn can help?
EDUCATION: 2+2=Tragedy
Touching the library in your gutt (in a few years): Your history
The Creation Myth: A mystical evil man named the Puritan came by one day in the years before the release of STAR WARS and sprung forth a great building from a hilly paradise in the mountains of Heart. He planted a single popcorn kernel, covered with the best oils and scents that his corporation, East Corn Company, could buy. When it failed to blosom into his temple, based on his flawed understanding of the locale, he sacrificed 100 metrosexuals (virgins), hoping that their combined blood would provide enough masculinity to impregnate mother earth and create his temple. When that failed too, as those losers so often do, he became so upset that he laid waste to the local native theaters, culling their tribesmen, and planting corn.
(not mine..)
Coming with his enslaved pilgrims on the Cornflower, they built a great defective structure, a great tropical temple intent on weathering hurricanes and reflecting the light of the Money God in internal sunshine and glory. Their intent was to set up an equatorial witch trial as soon as possible towards the good and probably foreign citizens of Uticant, and they would do so with tree-destroying paperwork, Fern Gullian rigor, a regimentation of popcorn anality, and propaganda microphones jutting into the wild Amazonian exterior of their great arc of corporate "perfection."
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Half didnt survive the bitter cold of the first winter...............
In order to ensure the surival of the remaining settlers, left in the frigid outer defenses of the Puritan's bastion, the Puritan gathered up the haggled native survivers. He used all of his purchasing power and created a magical Box, which was derisively named the Box of Hard Nox. He enslaved all of the native settlers and used the box as his controlling device. Even now, as an example, the lowely slave fashions the imagined foot by foot area of this hellraising fear with his gittering hands and wide and deep hand movements, a steep reminder of lovely Little Johnny, who wore Red Sox, and opened the box one day. Johnny barely survived the opening and failed to escape the clutches of Justinian Zendor, the Puritan's magically singing robotic detection device. Johnny was buried alive near theater 18, under interrogation and the mounting of stones on his stomach. He never surrendered. Our flower and teddy bear memorial was burnt down as "too overt and unprofessional" in a Puritan sneak attack.
..This box, when opened, spewed forth checklists and memos and paperwork, a brutal "reminder" that papercutted the opener of the box to death and lettered their body with gross distortions of their failures as slaves. It remained hidden, yet constantly in the minds of the slaves of the temple. A box was the slave's greatest fear and as such corn production and propaganda-viewing slowed and the spirit of the temple was unproductive. Seeing that his experiment had failed under his impersonal control, the Puritan left for another tropical paradise, in a distant kingdom in equatorial Antartica called Swamibam, where the Prince Bam of Swami led armies of dog sled warriors, and where the promise of tropical paradise seemed the greatest to our geographically defficient creator. He left the box hidden and fear in his wake, with a promise to return. 100 slaves were buried in paperwork, never to be heard or memoed from again as punishment......yet a few impositor minions remained to wreak havoc.......
..The sense of relief at the departure of the Puritan can never be underestimated. Born, each of them, in the blink of bling bling back in 1980, the founding fathers immediately began construction on a stable governing authority for America's capital in the Puritan's great temple, when the Puritan left for his tropical home. They meticuously contructed a constitution that included provisions,- aka ammendments or weird, hard to understand law things-, for hard invidivual work, responsibility, da propa handling of "hoes:"
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-I've always assumed this refered to the tools needed for the extensive gardening of a few dozen acres of squash, because as we've come to know from the sort of intellectual discussions we have standing at a podium of ticket domination "Squashes are four species of the genus Cucurbita, also called pumpkins and marrows depending on variety or the nationality of the speaker. Squashes are categorized as summer squash or winter squash, depending on when they are harvested" Cucurbita is neccessary to feed the temple's slaves-" Its how the first thanksgiving came about
-body maintenance, -which I've always questioned the handling of our temple morticians, who do not nice things to the remains of our terminated employees, provisions to not hurt other employees anymore, and supreme reverence and respect for some great historical figure called Karma Chamleon? They decked out the entire historical document in purple with a few neon signs and a few carnival jingles..............
The Founding Fathers:
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But the founding fathers were not slaves, and provided a path so that no one would have to be slaves to the Puritan or his minions. The founders too had to leave. A number of the Puritan's evil minions remained at the Temple and there was little to stop their machinations. They sought to complain, to pacify, to resist, to make things and life as difficult as possible and as tense, terse, ambominable to the good keepers of the legacy of the Founding Fathers at the Temple.........
The Pacifier Resistence 
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..Askow the Harasser
She was a short stubby monstrosity. The model example of moral code WTB-P-Triple T, she was constantly angered over the supposedly cliquish nature of the original slave inhabitants, and as such quickly turned to the dark side, something that pretty much everyone agreed was due to the fact that she was a banshee and her voice was like shards of glass or a repetition of any Lincoln Parka song. Rather uncreative, conspiratorial, and downright stupid at times, the Harasser is a vicious enemy and often lulls her enemies to sleep with whispers of sweet nothings: "I appreciate the work you do," (while cloaking her dagger) "your my shauney" (while sleeping with somebody else) "Good morning gentlemen" (whispers "this is the last morning youll ever have to think about me, which I know you do"). These words are daggers, as the metrosexual comes to take her false soothsayings as truth and as such bend their every actions and words to the hypnotic aural stench of Askow's oozing words. Once asleep, she proceeds to ooze herself over who or whatever is her victim, in the most digusting ways....
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The Eye of Amphibitor
You see, agreement on these enemies is pretty much widespread. Um, create a picture in your mind, that the Eye is certianly from a visibly different planet. Glimpsing secret information that only the most trusted Harasser may spy, the Eye notices everything and views everything and then observes all of that visual information and directs it through her giant eyes, creating gross distortions that infects the weak minded slaves and intimidates the metrosexuals. In her previous life, she was a child protective service member but became involved in a torrid love affair with clients, twisting and turning her body to a more normal state. Her somber attitude does not compensate for the speed at which she dispatches her victims with lazyness. She also has the ability to change her appearence towards other female slaves, as a sort of impostor, by growing human hair . Besides the two play weapons in the picture, she cares a giant mop whip that she slowly drags along the floor, faking a bad mop job, only to swing the spiked lashes and behead the chosen victim. Watch out, you'll see.....
The Rest of the Gang
Catzedd the Beaches of Burrett and its spouse Rita Josey Fabulous- This dual, gendering bending tag team are depicted here holding the Eye in her battle zord state. The Amphibitor can then see past worlds, into open windows, or after closely watching trips to midnight gas stations.
..Educating The Inspiration to Punish: YOU WONT LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY??
Who will oppose the Puritan and his minions? Who will take up the true legacy of the Founding Fathers and Educate and Punish all those who violate the educated way? Who will take the Japanese man's place in the senseless battle with godzilla over minature sets, probably oil fields in Iraq, according to the PIG coalition? Who is strong enough mentally and physically? Who will punish?
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John Fred Kennedy, aka current President Bill W. Bush, once asked what we could do for our country if we were asked to find it on a map, sometime maybe a hundred years ago or something. (before the founding fathers, so dont concern yourself too much) These were the dark times, when lightbulbs didnt exist and clouds covered the minds of America's youth, when Presidential prostitution was hidden and sweeping idealism was open. How can JFK inspire our bodies to punish? What can you do for your Temple?
ZOMBIE STOICISM: Well, first to accept punishment one must act zombie-like; ACT PHYSICALLY STOIC (CALM AND UNEMOTIONAL) AND RESTRAIN YOUR URGES. BE ZOMBIE-LIKE LIKE DA REAL JFK.
Learn from his death: JFK was taken out in one of the most controversial assasinations in history. For you conspiracy buffs, my current theory is that he became a zombie, after being hung and then forced to open the Box of Hard Nox and was subsequently paper cutted into zombie-hood, only to make his wife one too. But he didnt touch Maria Schriver, cause Arnold Schwareznegfsdfger was too intimidating even for the undead and arguably better suited to CYBORG PREDATORIONISM. So when John Fred Kennedy restrained himself from taking out Arnold, he became zombelly stoic, learning to restrain his anger and temper for future generations. If not, John Fred would have ruined the lives of countless metrosexuals who derived their earliest and fondest memories from "Twins" "Last Action Hero" and most importantly "Red Sonya"......Or better yet we'd have Vin Diesel....Vin Diesel folks comon now!!!!!!!
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These old ladies, yes these ones here, are the ones responsible for the John Fred killing. This is actually real FBI footage, catching them in their dark conspiracy. They nearly cost Arnold his life too. They are zombies turned to the dark side by the Puritan's minions.
........anyways you know zombies are so cool, and you know they were people once, but they dont really act like people now, so when we approach them and they spring into action and hurt and intimidate us, thats scary, but they look like people, and they dont think, just kill and eat people, so I sort of understand the rampant zombie victimization, and so I guess I get their need to eat brains and years of education for lunch....SO COOL..... or so zombies would best fit in this loosely put together, colorfully illustrated-by-other-people, narrative.
Body and Mind not working together falsely educate like a zombie's hand in a brain. Keep your zombie instincts from reaching into the cookie jar/head of stupidity, instincts of the Pacifier resistence, or metrosexuality. Because lets face it, when you actually think about eating the brain, after an intense physical workout of dying, whats to stop you from grabbing little Gunther for a snack, putting on that Axe three, four, ten spritzes at time, or covering up your own personal abilities with an undercutting and unproductive work performance......
How could we have education and be all the we could be without physical education? Working out, running, jogging, walking four or five times the speed of the average human being.....No better example could be found than through the Witsroro Track Team. Model examples of the American citizen, these veterens survived their compuslary time in the U.S. military in Hawaii's secret Special Concession's Unit, as Soda Seals, and spent the remainder of their time as personal trainers to incarcerated gangsta "political prisoners." They run fast, look low, and pass their time high....on life.
As equally honorable opponents, all track members have two legs, which when running pass up to their stomachs in pure running perfections, two arms, and one head, at least the ones that this team cares about and the ones that bring non-carnival dollars into the system. Whitesboro's team cares for everyone*, and as magnificent specemins are the example that educated employees should follow. Be on Witsroro Track, not Heart's second best.....Be an employee, not a slave.
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The Team Captian......Slaughtered tragically by Rita Fabulous' gangster moves
How, Bulky Bob, do we fashion our bodies, like our mind, to punish The Pacifier Resistence? How do we ignore physical advice from an author with the term bulky in it, suggesting that the author is either a pipsqueek or really really really large and a bit sensitive about his own weight problems? Should we believe that Bulky Bob is the supreme physical specimen? OF COURSE
PUNISHMENT:
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The A-Team: (strong looking arent they?)
Choosen from the very best educated slaves, the founding fathers selected a group of freedom fighters known as the A-Team, a snide term given to them by the Harasser to suggest a cliqquish opposition to her dark lord, the Puritan. Trained intensely for 5 years in the martial arts, dubbed over child action tv shows, light pop hits (something like Lionel Ritchie), quantum physics, African history, zombie stoicism, and the very best of Temple education, the A-Team are the best hope for the Temple, and for the purge of metrosexuality. They alone are allowed to educate and punish.
Meet their leader:
Franc Spider, the Strawberry Ranger
The Team:
SS Stephan, the Green, White, and Red Ranger
Antony Bologna, the Cornsilk Ranger
Marc Antony Tweeter, the Fuschia Ranger
Alley Drizzle, the PapayaWhip Ranger
The Zapper Twins- Hank, the Hephastion-Hot Hue (or HHH) ranger and Vito, the Horse Pink Ranger
Loyal Sidekick- Benji, the Shaggy Dog
..Pictured here outside of his home, in the dark underbelly of the Cornknoll ghetto, Benji carries gats under that Shag, and years of bouncing around the old junkyard on tires have prepared him for battle, equal to any other ranger.
Guest Appearances: King Spanks of the Fully White Kingdom
Who is their spiritual guide?
..Who they call Lord A-La, this brutal old timer has been in a few battles in the past, but with the lord's knowledge of Beethoven, combat tactics, and the wrongs of the Pacifier Resistence, make her/him (at this point in life who can tell) a prime target for the love and affection of all those sweet thangs that want my number, so go ahead and give a stop by to 123 Sheldon Hall. If you thought Zordon played a dominant role in these guys' lives, you be crazy! Alla is the real force behind the A-Team and the big face they see in their projector.
Where is the location of the A-Team Secret Base?
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Well its on the top of some random city skyscraper in some unknown city. The massive lava lamps and the quadruple sized couches are really posh stress relieving devices, taking body waves and thoughts of personal care products, bad song lyrics, Lindsey Rohan, and personal longings and sending them up through the lamps to power all of the A-Team's mighty battlezords and equipment.
What happens if the Puritan confronts the metrosexual?
..Looks good? Tastes Good. A metrosexual on the Barbie? Doubtful, try Ken
Well if the employee is not properly affirmated at the moment of contact, then the Puritan becomes like a shark with a drowning cow. Systematic, ruthless, and always able to seek out weakness, with the Puritan, the metrosexual slave's appeals to "wake me up inside" or "do you really want to hurt" will create a sinister reality for the victim as they are detected by Zendor, sung a song from Josh Brogan or whoever, and promptly burnt at the stake, like the medieval witches of old. The Affirmation is critical before Education and Punishment can be initiated because, like AAA, it vents insecurities and slowly draws out problems until they can be fixed.
..left: The Slaves detect Pacifier CatZedd, here transformed into a common talking house cat, as the source of a leak on the floor. Sent by Justinian Zendor on a singing telegram, CatZedd's brutal ways are revealed. Everyone in this picture died because of the actions of one cat. No more Sabrina, thanks guys, thanks alot.
A recent example shows the level of progress in helping the weak minded slave. One AAAffirmation session (hey there....lets begin...super. "Guys......(count to three slowly...1...2...3..)......Wow......It has been a not so good day....My name is Shaun, im str8, and I have a problem......I spent three hours in front of the mirror today, combing and gelling my hair, I've no time for school, work, or mental stability, I'm tired of accepting pink as a color that Dr. Dre would wear in the hood....." a gentleman named Flip "O....M....G guys, thats it Shaun? only three hours? no you didnt?! no wonder you looked so bad yesterday."(firm slap to Flip's head)"I, Shaun, 1...2...3... feel better!
That urge to hurt, that rage towards violence is a powerful motivator. When harnessed it represents the mastery of bodily control (Zombie Stoicism) and emotional power (Affirmation). So how do we vent that loving feeling towards the Pacifier Resistence and our arch-enemy the Puritan? Well first the properly affirmated must be offered to get educated:
An existing member: "Do you wish to be educated"
Candidate: "Yes I wish to be educated"
1...2...3.. (the member should whisper all of the above information, starting from the very top of this post, into the candidate's ear, word for word)
Member: "Now that you've been educated fairly, please recite all the information I just told you, word for word. Please draw each picture with your hands, capturing the true pictoral spirit." What better way to get them to clean a little harder, pay attention to the miniscule details of popcorn flavorcal application, or the sensitivities of ice cube evacuation, than to memorize a 1000 or more words in one shot.
I dout the candidate will fail, but should they: "Do you wish to be punished"
"Yes," they must always answer, or the universe will stand stand still, lighting will strike a really tall giraffe, Justin Timberlake will wet his pants, somewhere, and the Puritan will appear before you, and laugh at your lack of reasonable discipline to confront him. You must purge the imperfections, punish the member, and make them a full fledged member. Be an employee, not a slave.
You say, "you are being pretty golly gosh darn inconsistent again," by telling us that punishment and violence is bad, because the Puritan does it. Punishment is in this case the punishee putting out their hand, upon request, and the punisher firmly, but not too hard, administering a slap to the hand. Excessive or snotty comments by member witnesses, violating the punishment belief of Zombie-Stoicism, will force punishment upon them as well, until perfect silence and racial and human harmony is reached, bringing about the cooing of a sweet dove, the rehabilitation of 1000 metrosexuals, and a kick to the groin for the Puritan and all his kind.
We are trying to get you to work harder, to defeat the Pacifier Resistence through Education and Punishment. So how prepared are you for the onslaught of the Puritan and his recruitment of more for passifier resistence.
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Wherever there is a ventilation pipe or an air vent, the Puritan can travel. Thriving in the most dry and impersonal settings, the Puritan prefers no human contact, no music or jingles, and the plainness and comfort brought about by metal pipes and girters. If you make a mistake the Puritan will see.....
So remember unless you stay mentally strong, never feed furry little workers after midnight, spray water on them, or shine bright lights on dark air ducts, stay verbally quiet at least about stupid metrosexual things, maintain top work performance, and stay physically fit, you run the risk of drawing the Puritan's wrath. The A-team has battled the Passifier resistence to a stand still, but they cannot win the war if you do not do your share.
How will a fully operational A-Team confront the Pacifier Resistence? Will they be able to destroy the box of hard knox and end superfluous paperwork? Will the Puritan jump down from the vent behind you now? How much do you really learn on a regular basis? What was the point of all of this? What do you think about my friends, and my picture post? Will The Pacifier's Strike Back.......
the rest is a tale for another day..........
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