The 15 Things I Hate about You!

Ok you "frothy earth-vexing foot-lickers" its time for me to post my own profile quiz. So heres the quiz. This is a contest and there will be numerous tangible rewards to complete this test. ALL questions have only one letter answer, and are completely objective. The person who gets ALL questions right, and responds first will be considered the winner. You may submit your answers by email, to the name of this blog. You may use your notes. Questions or disputes please consult someone who cares.

GOOD LUCK.

1. The very first blog post is intended to help you with which of the following problems?

A. suicide

B. Lotus notes and its interaction with Excel

C. a valuable motivational alternative to the information you provide on your profiles

D. all of the above and more

2. According to one of the blog posts, in which my flaws most vividly come forth, my biggest problem is to _____________?

A. get a date because of the new enemies I've made...... this is a lie, I swear it.

B. pick a song or poem that totally summarizes me in the confined space of a profile/journal/quiz
C. find enough pictures of me to make up a picture post- syyaaaa good luck

D. none of the above- I aint got 99 problems, N.. E.. MO!

3. What is considered "puritanical" in Internet speak?

A. unbalanced vowels

B. the American language, invented in 1980, by the founding fathers

C. BYOB- grrrr?

D. choices A & C

E. all of the above

4. As far as I am concerned, the Yankees are responsible for which of the following?

A. being far better than the Red Sox, with history, playing ability, money, geography, and time to back it up

B. raising oil prices, because they have the money and the conspiracy

C. the ten things that Spank knows about girls, because the Yankees bought them off too

D. even though it didnt happen at the time, the Yankees hired a dog assassin, named Jet-Li Foo-Fi, a dog trained in the Tweeter bird hunting techniques of most labrador retrievers. Being only two feet high, with beautifully frazzled and manicured locks, this poodle shows young, defenseless, Red Sox fan Marc, who's boss. Thank you Don.

E. all of the above, plus Don Mattingely

5. Why is violence real?

A. because when we hit things, both the cell phone, and the person will know the difference

B. because Lincoln Parka and Evernevernescense are trained mediators, and if they write lyrics like "I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress, Head full of anger, held in my chest, Uphill struggle, Blood sweat n tears, Nothing to gain, Everything to fear" we can be assured that when the Math Squad, Phi Iota, comes around to continue their intimidation of Lincoln Parka, they will be steadfeast, clearheaded, strong, and useful against the silent but deadly Psi Proctractor or the Number Puncher to you Head, TI-83. The Squad may take their lives, but they will never take their freedom.

C. chewing on glass out of anger hurts

D. all of the above, because I am being intimidated right now and as always

E. choices A and C

6. According to the summary of campaign 2004, certian politician(s) claim to be smarter, more complex, and therefore more hopeful than their opponents. Which of the following intelligent, complex, conspiracies accurately fit the matrix of hopeful, but certianly not simple, thought?

A. always voter suppression but never voter imperfection

B. oil conspiracies will be revealed all throughout the world, including in your own car and with your allies

C. WMDs can be neither a dictator, nor physical weapons, nor exist anywhere.

D. getting testing right; not global testing, school testing, but internet profile testing

E. A and B

7. According to the LARP lifestyle, what is the significance of the pill?

A. due to their promiscuity, they frequently get pregnant, and some bold leader somewhere decided that trolls, ogres, and witches were being born in too great a number, that it would harm the humans, just think.....roleplayers and childcare......, or when the great magic orb of Eritrea was penetrated with the Rod of Doomsfield's Bastion.

B. rather than being activist people, who dont care, they are escapist people, who dont care. Who cares then?

C. the pills are offered by Neo to choose a life that allows them to believe as they want or believes as he shows them

D. choices B and C

E. choices A and C

Such bugs and goblins in my life!

Bonus Question:
Which pill do the LARPers take?

A. Red

B. Viagra

C. Blue

D. caffiene pills to stay up

E. Both Red and Blue

:<7th> Frame Stretch...... Ok I know your eyes are strained...there hasn't been any colors. So fold up your blue books, pause winamp with your Boy George songs that you are waiting to make into a full, worthwhile cd, rest your eyes, because the paragraphs have been reasonably short, and havent taxed your reading comprehension, nor come close to matching the degree to which you attend to your average MTV show, UNGODLY images or movies, makeup, bark contraception, dating details, or gossip... spend a few minutes and come back from your away messages, send some giggles and idle prattling to them for me.

(1...2...3...)

ok Back to Work Thou mammering full-gorged clotpole!


8. Which of the following are NOT roadblocks to Tyler's stairway to heaven?

A. all of the Mary Magdalenes

B. Steve P.

C. the French Horn as a dating tool

D. STD's

E. the evil step sisters

9. What is the significance of DCP FYS to the PIG Coalition, Thou droning flap-mouthed horn-beast! ?

A. a tiny spider, in harms way, is more important to the Coalition than people

B. a sacrifice.......feminism is entitled to eat masculinity....i.e. black widow

C. he is a powerful figure, a vicious enemy of the Demonfly Lord, Uncle Ben's Condeleeza Rice..... the black widow.........he's somebody worth saving.

D. none of the above, because its members often lack a coherent thought

E. all of the above, including D, because they were high and lacked a coherent thought

10. Which of the following Heinzes would best describe the PIG coalition's promise of revolution, Thou gleeking unwash'd measle!?

A. AS-FABR

B. R-BAD

C. WTB-P-Triple-T

D. Cold Storage Void of Least Resistance

E. DCP FYS


11. Which of the following are NOT casualties of Tyler's brutally swift sword?

A. the Proctor and Spartan heathens

B. King Coach Herod and his plan to bench him and send in a relief pitcher/kill all the first born on the team

C. Harry Potter, because Quittish is no part of track and field, and frankly I'd like the physical comparisons to stop, I thought I developed a little more respect from you people....Expecto my petronis??!?!! You're the wizard, Harry!

D. the forty thieves and Aladdin or Dirka or something, because Tyler is xenophobic.....against foriegners.... and taking them on is easy for him

E. the Pert bottle, cause its EMPTY

12. Which of the following statements properly fits my theories for human communication

A. Barbie is the model citizen. She wears pink, never you mind her trips into black leather or the army, and golly gosh darn it her grasp of political issues, and her token, drag along boyfriend. Any guy would slay a snakeman for her.

B. He-man was awesome in #214. He had Skelator right where he wanted him. It's like World War II, in 1865, where the Chinese armies defeated the Russians, and the Americans dropped the Bomb on African Americans during the Civil Rights movement in Alaska. Against such amassed strength, Skelator stood no chance against He-man's righteous historical might.

C. "Man we went to the Shed, and we was wasted. Them "young women" were hot! We was out till 12:30 in mornin! Johnny actually talked to them and I gagged on the pictures that we had been chugging......man Shamrock shakes all night and running around in circles in the McDonald's kids pen DO NOT go together. I'm hungover today..He-man is a wimp...Man what we gonna do tonight?"

D. Stepping up to tardations and obviousities everywhere.

E. all of the above

13. According to this blog, which of the following musical genuises would I critique with the following quote?
"I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. "

A. Lindsey Rohan

B. Lincoln Parka

C. April Ravine

D. Evernevernescense

E. all of the above, even though I havent gotten to Beethoven or Leonard Nimoy ("Ballad of Bilbo Baggins") yet.

14. Which of the following statements are NOT considered proper protocal in the Daily Affirmation?

A. "I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay" Group passes out bonnets, wrapping blankets around their heads as little pilgrims, with flowers, and spice, and everything nice, and they begin to sway, and cooing and hawing.

B. "Think of Me, Think of Me Fondly" group sings a rousing Elton John rendition from this Masked Musical, with one figure offering to disconnect from the circle and play air piano, while borrowing a child's WILD pair of large sunglasses from the lost and found, adding their own spaced out, orange and red, pre-work attire...all to help you dedicate it to Cindy Lauper-Anderson, your dream girl, because Stacy's mom, who is white, upper middleclass, drives an SUV, does have it going on.

C. "unidentified realife superhero: The Walmart pricecheck was the worst moment of my life. Female Clerk: We're sorry, sir(?), but we're currently out of Axe body spray, gell, AND shower body wash. They've discontinued the product. No more Orion, Phoenix, or Apollo for you, stud..... OMG......panic!.... My skin oozed sweat, my pores reacted as if I hadnt moisterized in three hours, and I stunk and still smell right now, as never before. Would I need to use industrial shampoo, like the prisoners, or their fallen-in-the-shower, devil Dove soap? I felt as if Bath and Body works was reeling me in more and more like an applebobber in one of their fruity bubble bath containers." the response from the group was "thatssss messsed up maaan." brutally vocal, unwelcoming, and full of consternation.

D. "I'm happy to report that coalition leaders have announced that Orange Degreaser stocks are up 200% this season alone. As a token of appreciation, the coalition leaders would like me to spray you with the new chemicals, to test out the smell, but you should be warned.....that should the chemical reach your eye, you will suffer massive pain equivalent to a cobra bite, and it will have to be cut out on the spot, resulting in a poorly executed surgerical operation, much crying and time-wasting sentimentality, and our vicariously understanding your pain and termination with the company. But we do keep your eye." response "OOOhs and high fives.

E. "Celebrate Punctuality," to the latecomers arrival, glorious watch checking, kazoo and trinket playing, loud applause, and "woof woofs" from the group.


Get thee to a nunnery!!


15. The Purpose of the Title of this post does NOT relate to which of the following:
A. the dramatic teen masterpiece, in line with the great movies of all time.....Brave Little Toaster (a new movie every year since 1900), Cabin Fever (2003), House of the Dead (2003), Paint Drying (Now), Self-Immolation (Now), where I make the comparison that certian archiac rules will not allow you, Bianca the younger and popular sister, to date or use the evils of the internet/culture, until I (get Julia Styles.) to get you to change your ways and date myself.

B. Excuses to insult you by neatly pegging you in exact social roles, that like the movie and the Shakespeare play (by the bard himself, 1982, under inspiration from Eminem. Skakespeare had one shot, and no joke Dr. Dre gave it to him), will not allow you to escape. I hate you because of what I've made of you.

C. you are Shrews that I am attempting to date, you ugly little rodents, you "weedy dread-bolted pignuts!"

D. use of at least 15 generated Shakespearan insult phrases throughout this quiz

E. none of the above


How did you do, you "saucy motley-minded mumble-news!?" Not living up to everyone's expectations, once again? Make sure you check your answers, mmmkk?

RESULTS POSTED NEXT TIME

You've Been Mobbed!

A History of the PIG Coalition:

Ok before you start reading, make sure you vote "yes," ignore my opinions and goals, and send your twenty dollar checks, to cover your manditory fee, to my home address. Great! Society and the internet will be better off!

Ready for a hit of some medieval social justice? In 1000 words or less...............

I ask the question: Why must we classify people into things and then enforce those guidelines?

Welcome Comrades. The greatest help to society, besides soap, stems from a group of people affiliated with PIG, or Public Interest Group. They know modern society and yet understand the past, as living and breathing medieval relics. They are in fact real people that inhabit all campuses, for years and years after their initial foray into the wonderland of a some-how free higher education. I have known many of them, some are my friends, and they have dreamt of me, in their foggy haze of intoxicating undergraduate socialist melodrama.

language disclaimer: From this point onward they, will replace the people in question, because not only do you know who I am talking about, so dont pretend you dont, but in fact I'm simply gonna expect that you have put the same people together, and should a few not fall into every neatly defined characteristic:

first deny it to them, its their propaganda, and then claim that you are using their techniques, because I'm willing to group them all in to make my point (the exception does not disprove the rule) because the rules they question are part of a an evil satanic cult, well not Satan because that is a fanatical, religious belief, so maybe Bushtanic?, and cult can no longer be used so we'll call it a Radishult, and since I do not want to offend the capitalists (my greatest fear, as previously mentioned is for my family and Walmart purchasing, or the besieging, of our land and title, the systematic routine cutting off of our ears, in a manner reminiscent of Jengis Khan), I'll refer to them as Cabbatidge, which is why they will be the grammatic feature, as they will incorporate the distant group out there, like their enemies the Cabbatidge Bushtanic Radishult, the ones you always had suspicions about, that was always responsible when your issues never seemed to work out, when your group explanations always seemed more pleasurable than your individual problems, when you never put enough effort into something, when you overdrank, overslept, over-gussied, over-sexed, or was simply over-oppressed. They are always responsible.


Now some of you may say, you over-generalize lots of hard working people, the people who do not intake any sort of abusive substance, who volunteer their time, who work long days. But you see I would prefer to make fun of the ones who insist on changing the world and cannot rouse an effort to achieve the noble goal.

Who are they?
Eccentric?, burueacratized? Contained in the fruit bin for maximum freshness? Yes..... Organic, yet helpful priests of the new age? Absolutely. There are a number of characteristics that you might look for. First the smell.. You'll notice the delectable oder of the gods, a bright sprinkly concoction of incense, peppermints, frankensence, mir, poor body washing, unsanitory excretions, and illegals. Their hair is prepared with the care and tenderness of an assailing dog to a scared young man: dread locks, a rats nest, or a beard or mustache full of food. Thats just the women.

Conspicuous Under-Consumption- The most striking aspect is the clothing. To be nominally consistent, they buy salvation clothing, in earth tones. Their beads serve a function(s) or symbol(s), but as yet, I cannot figure out what that is. Because they aspire to be medieval peasants, and act accordingly, The Army provides them with another sense of purpose in life, remdeeming low budget clothes, and training them for regular assualts to fight the cabbatidge in the disadvantaged areas of town, and eventually the enemy castle, Bushtan's keep, while the opprappled ignore them and instead try to find something to eat among the rotten produce.

Brown shows their true protest over social injustice. The often-knitted yellow and brown cap signifies the mellowosity of their insecure existence. Expect patches of political messages, badges that issue an individualistic, i.e. uniformly ideological, and a lack of certian forms of clothing, i.e. the strange guy, I'll call him Lenny Duprenny, who walked around Oswego with no shoes in the rain to protest pollution, and why is it that a few thousand students must take the time out of their already busy schedules, of partying, bridge street running, and Harbor festing, to ask themselves what this strange soul does with his footwear in the winter, or the time that the same PIG member took under his wing an itsy bitsy spider, I'll call Demonfly Crusher Pit Fodder of Your Soul, from its helpless position in an Onondaga elevator, and carefully brought DCP FYS outside to a gentle home, with a nice view of Lake Ontario, and a real future, a real opportunity at a lifetime of spousal cannibalism. Wow, this true story illustrates one act of kindness at a time.

........Needless to say their attire is designed to bring about a certian aura of proffessionalism, trust, and uniform rebellion. We can be assured that when they are in charge, punctuality and fiscal responsibility will be at the top of the agendas of our colorful, oversleeping, all-knowing, and consistently hungover spiritual pilgrims.

What are they like? Is it Good to date such Rebels or will they leave you dry like you did Bertha, you cheating beer wench, I expected you to call me back when you got back from the protest, but you betrayed me, and now this is all for you, I stick my tongue out at you, you &%$*$&amp;amp;amp;amp;ampvampvampvampvampvampvampv(*&W$%(*&?

These are the same type of people who argue endlessly, not over the edibility of fresh, tasty produce, the kind of lettuce that one expects to be broken up in bite size portions in a restaurant, but whether or not the produce in question is a vegetable or a fruit, and whether vegetable is a cabbatidge term for the true seeds of oppression of fruits....i.e. tomatoes as fruits. Vegetables are repressive and bitter, fruits are juicy, lively, and seedy. This is not an endless debate or classification, but in fact their secret weapon, the democrabapple melonob.

Why are they so powerful? Ever see their congregation?

They finish the arguement through action. A motely crew of men, women, other, gathering peacefully and quietly to congregate, oh at a specifically planned time and date, a few banners, bullhorns, dummies with ropes around their necks, bad slogans and loud and equally bad songs, the bongo man to give a fly rhythm that makes everyone chill (or if you worked at Marquee, you'll remember our molester friend, from Oswego as well, who also was a man who had his bongos, and thats about it, wherever he went) some violence, the occasional siege of a dark and stormy castle to kill a monster made of dead humans.... anyone serving Bushtan, and his uncanny ability to have a hand in everything.... (I am convinced that they are after me too. The other night I watched them, watch me, do my watching for my night...Watch out... They are creepy.....), saladforks/pitchforks whats the difference?, mace (sorry friends this one is spiked metal, but does involve spray....of your gushing blood!), cock-tails (neither the village rooster, the sexual exploits of Lenny, nor the later invention of a mixed alcoholic beverage have anything to do with this explosive Russian weapon) all to fight the Corncops, who are simply undigestible to the coalition.......

ok and they brought with them their produce, that in the time it took them to settle their vegetable arguement, had spoiled and become rotten. But rotten produce is just as effective with this melonob.

This mass of opprapple people is willing to make a V8 rocket-shake, the nuclear option, (sequence to go code: T O M A T.......) and launch it on the always-knowing Bushtanic Radishult. With rotten vegetables in hand, and through the goading of a few PIG soothsayers, the democrabapple melonob works tiressly to lob their rotten vegetables (label-wise but also physically) at the Radishult, with the ultimate of goal of melonobing the targetted individual. To PIG members, the biological option, the (Apple)-Pie, adds the ultimate disgusting insult to its embarassed and unsuspecting victim. What better way to encourage agreement, feed the hungry, and change than the melonob or pie in face? And in my experiences, this has led to some nasty brawls, lawsuits, and some pretty angry poetry.

What do they listen to, besides the bongo man?
Ok besides your average Punk, New Age, and the soothing nature of the dual folk guitar players, at their peach rallyogurts, I always wondered what would happen if instead of singing "Workers Unite," if they broke out into a rousing rendition of any of the following songs: "A Whole New World" or "Beauty and the Beast" (the Angela Landsbury version) where the less hairy gentle-individual would double as the female vocal, "You say TomA(eh)to, I say Toma(ah)aaato," yeah this just about summarizes everything up, "Bare Necessities" yet another opportunity for everyone in the crowd to strip, "Baby Got Back"- no comment, but it would add some diversity, "Double Vision," i.e. the drugs, man, or Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, as not only do the lyrics summarize alot, but also the PIG coalition's turn towards "Bohemian" culture:

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see
I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy (a question mark is appropriate here, cause they DO)
Because I’m easy come, easy go,
A little(uh?) high, little low
Anyway the wind blows,
doesn’t really matter to me,
To me (isnt this what this is all about? I could go on.... because the entire song fits)

Who do they work for? What influence do their leaders have? I know you are involved with him, you bulbous boar, and btw I thought you promised me that you would go to the doctors, for that "problem" we discussed, cause you insisted on "all natural," and now mine has gotten worse? Does HE know? Is this academic freedom to you???

Now the individuals- It is important to centralize our discussion of the PIG coalition around individuals, who represent everyone in the movement.

The Town Pear Criers- The common footsoldier/peasant of the PIG Coalition. Their main duty is to walk around campuses, towns, cities, and wale or wear billboards about any subject. They are the dominant means of communication for the coalition, and their voices are consistently annoying, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating. "Repetition truly does create stress." Its noise, not arguement folks, and THAT is the true power.

Well then you have the in-Herbitians, the ancient dealers of "magical potions," i.e. illegals, they were powerful in the coalition until they had a falling out when it interferred with their views on Panda-Vanda-Nongo, the nature spirit in their heads, that tells them to do as they feel. Bad for business......They fight the cabbitidge radishult and the gonionment over substance intake, urging for more freedom to intoxicate. Included in their lives are yogaurt, a fruity concoction of personal meditation and spirituality and the larger form of meditation known as the rallyogaurt, that they feel does not qualify as either radishultish nor religious.

Im-professarios, the Grapes of A Bath- the entertaining organizers of the movement. They direct the ideas of the democrabapple melonob towards Bushtan. Their intellectual output/poetry itself is rather stale, themselves only slightly more refined and cleanly, sipping on the fruits of their intellect, gin and juice, with their minds on your money, and your money on their minds, and so they re-live the unsettled battles of their past, while trying to act 30 years younger than they actually are.

Watermelon wrangling Force- or the W little w F- This elite squad of wranglers are the trusted special forces of their boss. They alone are strong enough to handle the giant watermelon of the opprapple. Their job is to train the Criers, and the melonob in protesting techniques. They are maliciously frosty in the execution of their goals and like a snow man, completely willing to battle toe to toe with the Corncops, with pipes, button to button, and stare at them back with their beety eyes made out of coal, if necessary. Though they have abolished the old, interesting storyline of WwF protest, and brought in a less interesting variety of supporters (sadistic clowns, bald men covered in gold, and supermodels with a mean streak are currently in fashion), the WwF is currently in training sessions with PIG members, for special steal cage and ladder matches with Rumselzbub, and other gonionment radishulters. They hope to share a stadium with the NY Jets and Giants. Unfortunately their name is subject to an internal coalition lawsuit from an environmental organization.

The Che Papaya- The grand spiritual leader, (unknown, but one suspects it is Webster, the little man from the eighties tv show), who despite the PIG coalition's long tendancy towards the worship of their messiah-like mass murderers and killers, led a revolution, had a goal, and stuck to it. Che exemplifies the undetermined spirituality of the coalition members, offering guidance, unity, and contacts to Latin American cartels. The Grand Che Papaya's actions can be expected to be rabidly defended by all other groups, in some of the most fruitful poetry, especially from his lead advocate:

The students live under King Karl B. James and the Giant Marxist Peach (state chapter President- Earnst Hamilton Billiard III, mommy is a women's studies professor at Harvard, step-daddy is an appletivist/politican, daddy is a high powered lemonawyer against the Cabbatidge Drug Corpaturnips, rich grandad- currently dating a 22 year old revlon model. Total worth, divorce settlement, plus inheritance- $2,000,000) He is the political director of the coalition, responsible for spreading the good word to the various college classes, and offering bribes.

Why are they so helpful to society? You know what?, Bertha, you Bloated Soy Hog, I trusted you when you said that your relationships with Fast Eddy, that reptile carnival freak, Ronda the country singer, Henry Ford, that guy Abraham Lincoln, etc. etc. would not have an impact on the exclusiveness of our relationship? Wheres the monogamy, Bertha!!!!!!!!!!, wheres the monogamy? You coulda been a contender!!!!!

They are your dealers.....oh yeah don't forget their poetry, yeah.

What is their schedule like?

Ha Ha you have to be serious. Do you really think they follow such a thing, man? Have you not been paying attention. But I'll generalize anyways:

1 PM: wake up- Revolution begins, or not

1PM: Time when classes start for them- chosen majors- English, any Cultural studies, sad to say History, ok I have to stop this list, its depressing.....

1PM: Time when they do not attend class

1:30PM: Early Lunch: Skipped in line, its no worry, because not only will the offender be back later for the goods, but if not, they have the option of calling them the particulary powerful vegetable, Fasceleryist dog (pig is already taken). Your label has saved the revolution!

3:00 PM: general interest meeting: total attendence, 10- Revolution Progress Report- Social justice, its coming along man. They have a newspaper... Near their goal of total Nirvana. ETA- work of progress

3:03 PM: return to dorm/appartments where technically they had been evicted for an attendence record of 2 classes and a payment of well $0.

3:15 PM: Poetry writing

5:00 PM: poetry and open mike jamming, vigil in honor of Che Papaya

6:00 PM: protest at a local business

8:00 PM: commune with the homeless, in comfortable tents and pre-prepared food, for an overnight of a made up Bushtanic inspired Hellettuce.

Ok now that I have answered that question, who is next????

Tonight, there'll be no distance between us

When I make fun of you.......

The Best way to get to know your roomate, or to show your appreciation for their eclectic, and undesirably loud mix of music (commonly Josh Brobackstoken or whoever the loser is, Cannibal Corpse, and Boy George) is to play a little music back to show your appreciation. Now both you and your roomate should have computers, yours having the obviously cooler, hotter, female show artist for wallpaper, his probably Japanese Anime, Spongebob, or something reminiscent of Jenghis Khan. But force them to wrestle with their obvious insecurity, play better music, and show them what it means to care, in a totally heterosexual way. You should pick the following song and play it at a random time. It's a classic that I think shows just a glimmer of what it is to be ME and really like ME and to take those feelings and scrounge them up into a little ball, and hug, and kiss them, and then to talk to them in the candle light, during a civil war re-enactment or on the beaches of Normandy. By Roberta Flack and Peabo Bryson, the greatest song of ALL TIME is "Tonight, I Celebrate My Love for You" Listen to all of it.

http://www.bellz.net/TonightICelebrateMyLoveForYou.html

Certian people can attest to the effectiveness of this song.


Now for the main course:

It seems the Natural thing to do:


Since current society has felt it neccessary to remove certian critical aspects of our life: religion, responsible citizenry, non-conspiratorial thinking, honesty, the true artist formerly known as Prince, Saved by the Bell, most important basic moral decisions, while adding emotion and how we "feel" to all decisions, I believe it is my civic duty to take a step with you, with a device from this past November, towards reclaiming this lost morality and bringing back the quality of television and movies of the 80's and early 90's.

Condiment Morality:

Situation: Society still has experience with condiments, as do I, as a trained condiment technician. You smother your wheeners in ketchup, relish, or mustard. Mayonaise, and its coloration, no longer works with the minds of 21 century youth.

You must act as the vendor (mediator), for many individuals do not know right from wrong, power from respect, principle, or honor, or good or bad cultural tastes. Since one can appeal to no higher power, other than their fellow man, you must act like Oscar..... Oscar Meyer Wheener.....the human being who brings you food. Arrange three small white bins, which contain three different individually wrapped condiment sauce packets. You'll note the arrangement of the three colors, which will both excite and fascinate your subjects, and seperate the different condiments into a simple and divided arrangement, reminsicent of the child's first experience with building blocks, pantyhose, or pain killers. Their mouths will water over the packets, as their minds associate their favorite sauce, color, with their favorite food. This responds to their animal instincts and yet teaches a lesson that kicks them where it counts.


Now use a complex process of symbology known as Heinzethnodemocratizationalizing moralcondimentation, where you pick up a sauce packet and say it represents a certian decision in the problem situation.


Mustard
Mustard is yellow, yellow is neutral, and this represents yourself, the Vendor, that can tell the truth, and should remain objective (Screech Powers remained friendly and loyal to Zack Morris for years, despite Zack's interference and attempt at cross dressing, because Screech always spoke the truth, and I just cant understand why the little bugger never got a shot with Lisa Turtle, I mean really? It was the 20th century and yet all she cared about was stupid fashion, like the metro-sexuals today, and if she accepted Screech for who he was, he wouldnt have needed "Bambi," Zack Morris or any of the lot, especially Slater's fateful decision to turn away from wrestling, if only he had Lindsey Rohan, maybe his problems could be solved by a song, or given him the courage to follow through and bring himself to the brink of suicidal movie career) anyways..... Any wheener can add yellow.


Relish:

Most people do not like relish. It is chunky and people have an aversion towards green fluids. They are the tough choices. The relish packets are any number of correct choices that eventually make you feel good (Holding the door open for an old lady, helping to end the desperation of certian housewives, telling the truth, aiding your fellow man in the removal of body lice, getting rid of Amarosa on the first season of the Apprentice)

When you have identified the violator:

Penalty for a wrong choice: Moral Condimentation- smearing of all three sauce packets on the offenders' forehead, like the ancient ritual of animal sacrifice, only removed of such connotations so that people are not offended. Remember you are appealing to the person's basic and natural desires not to have something smeared on their head, and besides with already poor hygiene and multiple infestations, isn't it inevitable that you'd be the sacrificial cow? People dont like to have their condiment's wasted, unless food does something special for them.

Ketchup:

Ketchup, though certianly the most acceptable condiment for food, represents the wrong condiment choice. You ask, why does the best tasting topping constitute the wrong choice and why does it bother one so much to reject ketchup, in 57 varieties? We often choose the condiment that tastes best, but that leads to cancer or acid reflux. I am sure that somewhere rodents or baby seals die because of exposure to an overabundance of ketchup. I heard their screams each night, but I think they were some bad choices from the "group" in the dorm next door. So choose ketchup and suffer the fate of animal abuse or the fur industry.

The following are Heinzes, various immoral decisions or personal issues that feel good or comforting initially but have long term consequences.

Cold Storage Void of Least-Resistance
-moral code- CS-VLR
- the failure to recognize any problem or correct side, you are frozen in your condiment choice, unable to acknowledge moral condimentation, thereby giving support to the wrong side. If you work at marquee, you left the sauce packets in the coldest part of the freezer, ruined everyone's day by making their sauces chunky, and then remained in denial as they failed to spread evenly on your food. Thanks. One must either choose ketchup or relish condiments, be the objective mustard in a specific situation, or suffer cold-storage. You are above choosing and trying to eat the white plastic containers.

Ex. "Do you really want to hurt me"- Boy George, seriously, instead of asking the abuser if they want to hurt you, and since they have already come to that decision and you are merely verifying their desire, their feeling, maybe you should offer them some moral condimentation or call the police. Either way, they will make you cry.

Warm the Bench Purple Tattle-Tail Trench
- moral code- WTB P-Triple T
-some of the back benchers in society feel the need to jump in a fray, the proverbial trench, heating up a situation, and making themselves feel important. They feel the need for the immediate transmission of all information, correct or incorrect, to any source, because of their feelings of anger or hostility, regardless of the consequences. They immediately choose ketchup. Quickly they find that they have stirred ketchup and relish together to form a nasty brownish purple colored amalgamation that no one will eat.

Screech should have kept his mouth shut when Slater decided to skip a future as an overweight wrestler, to follow a singing cake lady and all of the girls in the school. He quickly found himself outgunned as he took Slater's place in the big match, sort of like the New York Jets, leaving Zack out of a bike due to a strict no gambling on school sports policy. Then the show ends, the universe and time itself stands still, and no one wins.

A Sticky Finger All-Bell Ringer
-moral code- AS-FAB-R
-When Will Smith offered America's young women the opportunity to "Ring his bell," I dont think he promised everyone that "Wild Wild West" would be a good movie. Some people decide that they would like to test each of the different condiments, even of the same type, making a delicate incision in a few sauce packets, but leaving behind chimpish evidence of their flirtations. You earn a heinz when you promise one thing and do another, like the goods Carlos, the goods, you promised me two shipments, and sherlock holmes, you havent come through, in fact all I be getting is flak from the po-lice, now my ladies need Depends (C), and if Walmart (C, is a registered trademark, just citing the name, so please don't buy out my family, burn my house down, build a store there, and sell us into the sheep industry) can't provide them, then the world will be trippin, and when your talk has greater expectations than your intended actions. You'll find less and less ringing of your bells if you continue.

The Relentless Competitor Nocturnal Bed Wetter
Moral Code- R-BAD
This Heinz is often deeply instinctual and takes work to correct. It starts with skipping fellow customers in line and ends with such a mental problem that you are willing to wear dresses or monopolize the axe body spray to be the very best. Because of your own deep fears, insecurities, and rapacious need for power, the ketchup packet you chose, after pushing people out of the way, is certainly unique from the rest of the pile. When opened, it runs out, full of too much water, and soggies up your roll.

If you look deeply into the eyes of William Hung, you'll notice a sinister desire for world domination. Clearly with a lack of talent, only comparable to that of April Ravine, he skipped the Teen Idol process and made millions. Yet, deep down I think he realizes that "She Bangs" will never really apply to him or his temporary claim to fame.

Dont be Hatin Glass Masticate-in
Moral Code: GATS

Clearly you are far too violent, sadistic, and destructive even for a label as decent as the others. Talk isnt working, because you are chewing on the glass you broke out of anger.... So while you weren't looking I slipped Ritalin and some ex-lax in your ketchup packet, that you couldnt open because your anger caused your hands to sweat. So there isnt really much more to say, while you are out......

A situation requiring the arbitration of Zack Morris (The Mustard):

The Ketchup:
Jesse Spano, clearly the over-achiever destined for the revolution known as Showgirls, decided to take and become addicted to caffiene pills, potentially ruining her life so that she could dance on a PG television show and study for classes with a faculty comprised of a fat, principle wanna-be, a blind old lady, a deaf lady, a Mr. Belding/Mr. Morris Impersonator, a nerdy man with glasses whose abrupt means of communication fails to deliver any relevent information, and a non-existent curriculum of cake baking, creating a radio show, pizza sauce, or a fictitious rock star career (she was replaced, briefly, in one of the darker episodes of the epic saga.)

The Relish:
Zack, the mustard, puts aside his constant ambitions for a dance show comprised of underage girls and condiments Jesse into the following right choice. Zack serves her relish from his vendor....The moral..... Drugs are wrong, you dont need the pills, your teachers aren't aware you are there anyways. There will be more time for a real dance show in about five years.

Well Saved by the Bell, moral code PERFECT, and much of the music out there, has spent all of its time solving the world's problems: a blood for oil spill at Bayside, teen drug use, the homelessness situation around the holidays, only, the handicaped and their ability to be mocked during a school-wide basketball-in-wheelchairs game, Tori Spelling as a diversified actress, etc., it is little wonder, therefore, that the modern day saints did not find time to talk about other things. But like the Max, morality remains the rock in a turbulent world, and there was even the crazy magician guy (for a few seasons, until replaced, when magic went out of fashion) But things follow a natural main course I guess.