You've Been Mobbed!

A History of the PIG Coalition:

Ok before you start reading, make sure you vote "yes," ignore my opinions and goals, and send your twenty dollar checks, to cover your manditory fee, to my home address. Great! Society and the internet will be better off!

Ready for a hit of some medieval social justice? In 1000 words or less...............

I ask the question: Why must we classify people into things and then enforce those guidelines?

Welcome Comrades. The greatest help to society, besides soap, stems from a group of people affiliated with PIG, or Public Interest Group. They know modern society and yet understand the past, as living and breathing medieval relics. They are in fact real people that inhabit all campuses, for years and years after their initial foray into the wonderland of a some-how free higher education. I have known many of them, some are my friends, and they have dreamt of me, in their foggy haze of intoxicating undergraduate socialist melodrama.

language disclaimer: From this point onward they, will replace the people in question, because not only do you know who I am talking about, so dont pretend you dont, but in fact I'm simply gonna expect that you have put the same people together, and should a few not fall into every neatly defined characteristic:

first deny it to them, its their propaganda, and then claim that you are using their techniques, because I'm willing to group them all in to make my point (the exception does not disprove the rule) because the rules they question are part of a an evil satanic cult, well not Satan because that is a fanatical, religious belief, so maybe Bushtanic?, and cult can no longer be used so we'll call it a Radishult, and since I do not want to offend the capitalists (my greatest fear, as previously mentioned is for my family and Walmart purchasing, or the besieging, of our land and title, the systematic routine cutting off of our ears, in a manner reminiscent of Jengis Khan), I'll refer to them as Cabbatidge, which is why they will be the grammatic feature, as they will incorporate the distant group out there, like their enemies the Cabbatidge Bushtanic Radishult, the ones you always had suspicions about, that was always responsible when your issues never seemed to work out, when your group explanations always seemed more pleasurable than your individual problems, when you never put enough effort into something, when you overdrank, overslept, over-gussied, over-sexed, or was simply over-oppressed. They are always responsible.


Now some of you may say, you over-generalize lots of hard working people, the people who do not intake any sort of abusive substance, who volunteer their time, who work long days. But you see I would prefer to make fun of the ones who insist on changing the world and cannot rouse an effort to achieve the noble goal.

Who are they?
Eccentric?, burueacratized? Contained in the fruit bin for maximum freshness? Yes..... Organic, yet helpful priests of the new age? Absolutely. There are a number of characteristics that you might look for. First the smell.. You'll notice the delectable oder of the gods, a bright sprinkly concoction of incense, peppermints, frankensence, mir, poor body washing, unsanitory excretions, and illegals. Their hair is prepared with the care and tenderness of an assailing dog to a scared young man: dread locks, a rats nest, or a beard or mustache full of food. Thats just the women.

Conspicuous Under-Consumption- The most striking aspect is the clothing. To be nominally consistent, they buy salvation clothing, in earth tones. Their beads serve a function(s) or symbol(s), but as yet, I cannot figure out what that is. Because they aspire to be medieval peasants, and act accordingly, The Army provides them with another sense of purpose in life, remdeeming low budget clothes, and training them for regular assualts to fight the cabbatidge in the disadvantaged areas of town, and eventually the enemy castle, Bushtan's keep, while the opprappled ignore them and instead try to find something to eat among the rotten produce.

Brown shows their true protest over social injustice. The often-knitted yellow and brown cap signifies the mellowosity of their insecure existence. Expect patches of political messages, badges that issue an individualistic, i.e. uniformly ideological, and a lack of certian forms of clothing, i.e. the strange guy, I'll call him Lenny Duprenny, who walked around Oswego with no shoes in the rain to protest pollution, and why is it that a few thousand students must take the time out of their already busy schedules, of partying, bridge street running, and Harbor festing, to ask themselves what this strange soul does with his footwear in the winter, or the time that the same PIG member took under his wing an itsy bitsy spider, I'll call Demonfly Crusher Pit Fodder of Your Soul, from its helpless position in an Onondaga elevator, and carefully brought DCP FYS outside to a gentle home, with a nice view of Lake Ontario, and a real future, a real opportunity at a lifetime of spousal cannibalism. Wow, this true story illustrates one act of kindness at a time.

........Needless to say their attire is designed to bring about a certian aura of proffessionalism, trust, and uniform rebellion. We can be assured that when they are in charge, punctuality and fiscal responsibility will be at the top of the agendas of our colorful, oversleeping, all-knowing, and consistently hungover spiritual pilgrims.

What are they like? Is it Good to date such Rebels or will they leave you dry like you did Bertha, you cheating beer wench, I expected you to call me back when you got back from the protest, but you betrayed me, and now this is all for you, I stick my tongue out at you, you &%$*$&ampvampvampvampvampvampvampv(*&W$%(*&?

These are the same type of people who argue endlessly, not over the edibility of fresh, tasty produce, the kind of lettuce that one expects to be broken up in bite size portions in a restaurant, but whether or not the produce in question is a vegetable or a fruit, and whether vegetable is a cabbatidge term for the true seeds of oppression of fruits....i.e. tomatoes as fruits. Vegetables are repressive and bitter, fruits are juicy, lively, and seedy. This is not an endless debate or classification, but in fact their secret weapon, the democrabapple melonob.

Why are they so powerful? Ever see their congregation?

They finish the arguement through action. A motely crew of men, women, other, gathering peacefully and quietly to congregate, oh at a specifically planned time and date, a few banners, bullhorns, dummies with ropes around their necks, bad slogans and loud and equally bad songs, the bongo man to give a fly rhythm that makes everyone chill (or if you worked at Marquee, you'll remember our molester friend, from Oswego as well, who also was a man who had his bongos, and thats about it, wherever he went) some violence, the occasional siege of a dark and stormy castle to kill a monster made of dead humans.... anyone serving Bushtan, and his uncanny ability to have a hand in everything.... (I am convinced that they are after me too. The other night I watched them, watch me, do my watching for my night...Watch out... They are creepy.....), saladforks/pitchforks whats the difference?, mace (sorry friends this one is spiked metal, but does involve spray....of your gushing blood!), cock-tails (neither the village rooster, the sexual exploits of Lenny, nor the later invention of a mixed alcoholic beverage have anything to do with this explosive Russian weapon) all to fight the Corncops, who are simply undigestible to the coalition.......

ok and they brought with them their produce, that in the time it took them to settle their vegetable arguement, had spoiled and become rotten. But rotten produce is just as effective with this melonob.

This mass of opprapple people is willing to make a V8 rocket-shake, the nuclear option, (sequence to go code: T O M A T.......) and launch it on the always-knowing Bushtanic Radishult. With rotten vegetables in hand, and through the goading of a few PIG soothsayers, the democrabapple melonob works tiressly to lob their rotten vegetables (label-wise but also physically) at the Radishult, with the ultimate of goal of melonobing the targetted individual. To PIG members, the biological option, the (Apple)-Pie, adds the ultimate disgusting insult to its embarassed and unsuspecting victim. What better way to encourage agreement, feed the hungry, and change than the melonob or pie in face? And in my experiences, this has led to some nasty brawls, lawsuits, and some pretty angry poetry.

What do they listen to, besides the bongo man?
Ok besides your average Punk, New Age, and the soothing nature of the dual folk guitar players, at their peach rallyogurts, I always wondered what would happen if instead of singing "Workers Unite," if they broke out into a rousing rendition of any of the following songs: "A Whole New World" or "Beauty and the Beast" (the Angela Landsbury version) where the less hairy gentle-individual would double as the female vocal, "You say TomA(eh)to, I say Toma(ah)aaato," yeah this just about summarizes everything up, "Bare Necessities" yet another opportunity for everyone in the crowd to strip, "Baby Got Back"- no comment, but it would add some diversity, "Double Vision," i.e. the drugs, man, or Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, as not only do the lyrics summarize alot, but also the PIG coalition's turn towards "Bohemian" culture:

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see
I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy (a question mark is appropriate here, cause they DO)
Because I’m easy come, easy go,
A little(uh?) high, little low
Anyway the wind blows,
doesn’t really matter to me,
To me (isnt this what this is all about? I could go on.... because the entire song fits)

Who do they work for? What influence do their leaders have? I know you are involved with him, you bulbous boar, and btw I thought you promised me that you would go to the doctors, for that "problem" we discussed, cause you insisted on "all natural," and now mine has gotten worse? Does HE know? Is this academic freedom to you???

Now the individuals- It is important to centralize our discussion of the PIG coalition around individuals, who represent everyone in the movement.

The Town Pear Criers- The common footsoldier/peasant of the PIG Coalition. Their main duty is to walk around campuses, towns, cities, and wale or wear billboards about any subject. They are the dominant means of communication for the coalition, and their voices are consistently annoying, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating, aggravating. "Repetition truly does create stress." Its noise, not arguement folks, and THAT is the true power.

Well then you have the in-Herbitians, the ancient dealers of "magical potions," i.e. illegals, they were powerful in the coalition until they had a falling out when it interferred with their views on Panda-Vanda-Nongo, the nature spirit in their heads, that tells them to do as they feel. Bad for business......They fight the cabbitidge radishult and the gonionment over substance intake, urging for more freedom to intoxicate. Included in their lives are yogaurt, a fruity concoction of personal meditation and spirituality and the larger form of meditation known as the rallyogaurt, that they feel does not qualify as either radishultish nor religious.

Im-professarios, the Grapes of A Bath- the entertaining organizers of the movement. They direct the ideas of the democrabapple melonob towards Bushtan. Their intellectual output/poetry itself is rather stale, themselves only slightly more refined and cleanly, sipping on the fruits of their intellect, gin and juice, with their minds on your money, and your money on their minds, and so they re-live the unsettled battles of their past, while trying to act 30 years younger than they actually are.

Watermelon wrangling Force- or the W little w F- This elite squad of wranglers are the trusted special forces of their boss. They alone are strong enough to handle the giant watermelon of the opprapple. Their job is to train the Criers, and the melonob in protesting techniques. They are maliciously frosty in the execution of their goals and like a snow man, completely willing to battle toe to toe with the Corncops, with pipes, button to button, and stare at them back with their beety eyes made out of coal, if necessary. Though they have abolished the old, interesting storyline of WwF protest, and brought in a less interesting variety of supporters (sadistic clowns, bald men covered in gold, and supermodels with a mean streak are currently in fashion), the WwF is currently in training sessions with PIG members, for special steal cage and ladder matches with Rumselzbub, and other gonionment radishulters. They hope to share a stadium with the NY Jets and Giants. Unfortunately their name is subject to an internal coalition lawsuit from an environmental organization.

The Che Papaya- The grand spiritual leader, (unknown, but one suspects it is Webster, the little man from the eighties tv show), who despite the PIG coalition's long tendancy towards the worship of their messiah-like mass murderers and killers, led a revolution, had a goal, and stuck to it. Che exemplifies the undetermined spirituality of the coalition members, offering guidance, unity, and contacts to Latin American cartels. The Grand Che Papaya's actions can be expected to be rabidly defended by all other groups, in some of the most fruitful poetry, especially from his lead advocate:

The students live under King Karl B. James and the Giant Marxist Peach (state chapter President- Earnst Hamilton Billiard III, mommy is a women's studies professor at Harvard, step-daddy is an appletivist/politican, daddy is a high powered lemonawyer against the Cabbatidge Drug Corpaturnips, rich grandad- currently dating a 22 year old revlon model. Total worth, divorce settlement, plus inheritance- $2,000,000) He is the political director of the coalition, responsible for spreading the good word to the various college classes, and offering bribes.

Why are they so helpful to society? You know what?, Bertha, you Bloated Soy Hog, I trusted you when you said that your relationships with Fast Eddy, that reptile carnival freak, Ronda the country singer, Henry Ford, that guy Abraham Lincoln, etc. etc. would not have an impact on the exclusiveness of our relationship? Wheres the monogamy, Bertha!!!!!!!!!!, wheres the monogamy? You coulda been a contender!!!!!

They are your dealers.....oh yeah don't forget their poetry, yeah.

What is their schedule like?

Ha Ha you have to be serious. Do you really think they follow such a thing, man? Have you not been paying attention. But I'll generalize anyways:

1 PM: wake up- Revolution begins, or not

1PM: Time when classes start for them- chosen majors- English, any Cultural studies, sad to say History, ok I have to stop this list, its depressing.....

1PM: Time when they do not attend class

1:30PM: Early Lunch: Skipped in line, its no worry, because not only will the offender be back later for the goods, but if not, they have the option of calling them the particulary powerful vegetable, Fasceleryist dog (pig is already taken). Your label has saved the revolution!

3:00 PM: general interest meeting: total attendence, 10- Revolution Progress Report- Social justice, its coming along man. They have a newspaper... Near their goal of total Nirvana. ETA- work of progress

3:03 PM: return to dorm/appartments where technically they had been evicted for an attendence record of 2 classes and a payment of well $0.

3:15 PM: Poetry writing

5:00 PM: poetry and open mike jamming, vigil in honor of Che Papaya

6:00 PM: protest at a local business

8:00 PM: commune with the homeless, in comfortable tents and pre-prepared food, for an overnight of a made up Bushtanic inspired Hellettuce.

Ok now that I have answered that question, who is next????