Tonight, there'll be no distance between us

When I make fun of you.......

The Best way to get to know your roomate, or to show your appreciation for their eclectic, and undesirably loud mix of music (commonly Josh Brobackstoken or whoever the loser is, Cannibal Corpse, and Boy George) is to play a little music back to show your appreciation. Now both you and your roomate should have computers, yours having the obviously cooler, hotter, female show artist for wallpaper, his probably Japanese Anime, Spongebob, or something reminiscent of Jenghis Khan. But force them to wrestle with their obvious insecurity, play better music, and show them what it means to care, in a totally heterosexual way. You should pick the following song and play it at a random time. It's a classic that I think shows just a glimmer of what it is to be ME and really like ME and to take those feelings and scrounge them up into a little ball, and hug, and kiss them, and then to talk to them in the candle light, during a civil war re-enactment or on the beaches of Normandy. By Roberta Flack and Peabo Bryson, the greatest song of ALL TIME is "Tonight, I Celebrate My Love for You" Listen to all of it.

http://www.bellz.net/TonightICelebrateMyLoveForYou.html

Certian people can attest to the effectiveness of this song.


Now for the main course:

It seems the Natural thing to do:


Since current society has felt it neccessary to remove certian critical aspects of our life: religion, responsible citizenry, non-conspiratorial thinking, honesty, the true artist formerly known as Prince, Saved by the Bell, most important basic moral decisions, while adding emotion and how we "feel" to all decisions, I believe it is my civic duty to take a step with you, with a device from this past November, towards reclaiming this lost morality and bringing back the quality of television and movies of the 80's and early 90's.

Condiment Morality:

Situation: Society still has experience with condiments, as do I, as a trained condiment technician. You smother your wheeners in ketchup, relish, or mustard. Mayonaise, and its coloration, no longer works with the minds of 21 century youth.

You must act as the vendor (mediator), for many individuals do not know right from wrong, power from respect, principle, or honor, or good or bad cultural tastes. Since one can appeal to no higher power, other than their fellow man, you must act like Oscar..... Oscar Meyer Wheener.....the human being who brings you food. Arrange three small white bins, which contain three different individually wrapped condiment sauce packets. You'll note the arrangement of the three colors, which will both excite and fascinate your subjects, and seperate the different condiments into a simple and divided arrangement, reminsicent of the child's first experience with building blocks, pantyhose, or pain killers. Their mouths will water over the packets, as their minds associate their favorite sauce, color, with their favorite food. This responds to their animal instincts and yet teaches a lesson that kicks them where it counts.


Now use a complex process of symbology known as Heinzethnodemocratizationalizing moralcondimentation, where you pick up a sauce packet and say it represents a certian decision in the problem situation.


Mustard
Mustard is yellow, yellow is neutral, and this represents yourself, the Vendor, that can tell the truth, and should remain objective (Screech Powers remained friendly and loyal to Zack Morris for years, despite Zack's interference and attempt at cross dressing, because Screech always spoke the truth, and I just cant understand why the little bugger never got a shot with Lisa Turtle, I mean really? It was the 20th century and yet all she cared about was stupid fashion, like the metro-sexuals today, and if she accepted Screech for who he was, he wouldnt have needed "Bambi," Zack Morris or any of the lot, especially Slater's fateful decision to turn away from wrestling, if only he had Lindsey Rohan, maybe his problems could be solved by a song, or given him the courage to follow through and bring himself to the brink of suicidal movie career) anyways..... Any wheener can add yellow.


Relish:

Most people do not like relish. It is chunky and people have an aversion towards green fluids. They are the tough choices. The relish packets are any number of correct choices that eventually make you feel good (Holding the door open for an old lady, helping to end the desperation of certian housewives, telling the truth, aiding your fellow man in the removal of body lice, getting rid of Amarosa on the first season of the Apprentice)

When you have identified the violator:

Penalty for a wrong choice: Moral Condimentation- smearing of all three sauce packets on the offenders' forehead, like the ancient ritual of animal sacrifice, only removed of such connotations so that people are not offended. Remember you are appealing to the person's basic and natural desires not to have something smeared on their head, and besides with already poor hygiene and multiple infestations, isn't it inevitable that you'd be the sacrificial cow? People dont like to have their condiment's wasted, unless food does something special for them.

Ketchup:

Ketchup, though certianly the most acceptable condiment for food, represents the wrong condiment choice. You ask, why does the best tasting topping constitute the wrong choice and why does it bother one so much to reject ketchup, in 57 varieties? We often choose the condiment that tastes best, but that leads to cancer or acid reflux. I am sure that somewhere rodents or baby seals die because of exposure to an overabundance of ketchup. I heard their screams each night, but I think they were some bad choices from the "group" in the dorm next door. So choose ketchup and suffer the fate of animal abuse or the fur industry.

The following are Heinzes, various immoral decisions or personal issues that feel good or comforting initially but have long term consequences.

Cold Storage Void of Least-Resistance
-moral code- CS-VLR
- the failure to recognize any problem or correct side, you are frozen in your condiment choice, unable to acknowledge moral condimentation, thereby giving support to the wrong side. If you work at marquee, you left the sauce packets in the coldest part of the freezer, ruined everyone's day by making their sauces chunky, and then remained in denial as they failed to spread evenly on your food. Thanks. One must either choose ketchup or relish condiments, be the objective mustard in a specific situation, or suffer cold-storage. You are above choosing and trying to eat the white plastic containers.

Ex. "Do you really want to hurt me"- Boy George, seriously, instead of asking the abuser if they want to hurt you, and since they have already come to that decision and you are merely verifying their desire, their feeling, maybe you should offer them some moral condimentation or call the police. Either way, they will make you cry.

Warm the Bench Purple Tattle-Tail Trench
- moral code- WTB P-Triple T
-some of the back benchers in society feel the need to jump in a fray, the proverbial trench, heating up a situation, and making themselves feel important. They feel the need for the immediate transmission of all information, correct or incorrect, to any source, because of their feelings of anger or hostility, regardless of the consequences. They immediately choose ketchup. Quickly they find that they have stirred ketchup and relish together to form a nasty brownish purple colored amalgamation that no one will eat.

Screech should have kept his mouth shut when Slater decided to skip a future as an overweight wrestler, to follow a singing cake lady and all of the girls in the school. He quickly found himself outgunned as he took Slater's place in the big match, sort of like the New York Jets, leaving Zack out of a bike due to a strict no gambling on school sports policy. Then the show ends, the universe and time itself stands still, and no one wins.

A Sticky Finger All-Bell Ringer
-moral code- AS-FAB-R
-When Will Smith offered America's young women the opportunity to "Ring his bell," I dont think he promised everyone that "Wild Wild West" would be a good movie. Some people decide that they would like to test each of the different condiments, even of the same type, making a delicate incision in a few sauce packets, but leaving behind chimpish evidence of their flirtations. You earn a heinz when you promise one thing and do another, like the goods Carlos, the goods, you promised me two shipments, and sherlock holmes, you havent come through, in fact all I be getting is flak from the po-lice, now my ladies need Depends (C), and if Walmart (C, is a registered trademark, just citing the name, so please don't buy out my family, burn my house down, build a store there, and sell us into the sheep industry) can't provide them, then the world will be trippin, and when your talk has greater expectations than your intended actions. You'll find less and less ringing of your bells if you continue.

The Relentless Competitor Nocturnal Bed Wetter
Moral Code- R-BAD
This Heinz is often deeply instinctual and takes work to correct. It starts with skipping fellow customers in line and ends with such a mental problem that you are willing to wear dresses or monopolize the axe body spray to be the very best. Because of your own deep fears, insecurities, and rapacious need for power, the ketchup packet you chose, after pushing people out of the way, is certainly unique from the rest of the pile. When opened, it runs out, full of too much water, and soggies up your roll.

If you look deeply into the eyes of William Hung, you'll notice a sinister desire for world domination. Clearly with a lack of talent, only comparable to that of April Ravine, he skipped the Teen Idol process and made millions. Yet, deep down I think he realizes that "She Bangs" will never really apply to him or his temporary claim to fame.

Dont be Hatin Glass Masticate-in
Moral Code: GATS

Clearly you are far too violent, sadistic, and destructive even for a label as decent as the others. Talk isnt working, because you are chewing on the glass you broke out of anger.... So while you weren't looking I slipped Ritalin and some ex-lax in your ketchup packet, that you couldnt open because your anger caused your hands to sweat. So there isnt really much more to say, while you are out......

A situation requiring the arbitration of Zack Morris (The Mustard):

The Ketchup:
Jesse Spano, clearly the over-achiever destined for the revolution known as Showgirls, decided to take and become addicted to caffiene pills, potentially ruining her life so that she could dance on a PG television show and study for classes with a faculty comprised of a fat, principle wanna-be, a blind old lady, a deaf lady, a Mr. Belding/Mr. Morris Impersonator, a nerdy man with glasses whose abrupt means of communication fails to deliver any relevent information, and a non-existent curriculum of cake baking, creating a radio show, pizza sauce, or a fictitious rock star career (she was replaced, briefly, in one of the darker episodes of the epic saga.)

The Relish:
Zack, the mustard, puts aside his constant ambitions for a dance show comprised of underage girls and condiments Jesse into the following right choice. Zack serves her relish from his vendor....The moral..... Drugs are wrong, you dont need the pills, your teachers aren't aware you are there anyways. There will be more time for a real dance show in about five years.

Well Saved by the Bell, moral code PERFECT, and much of the music out there, has spent all of its time solving the world's problems: a blood for oil spill at Bayside, teen drug use, the homelessness situation around the holidays, only, the handicaped and their ability to be mocked during a school-wide basketball-in-wheelchairs game, Tori Spelling as a diversified actress, etc., it is little wonder, therefore, that the modern day saints did not find time to talk about other things. But like the Max, morality remains the rock in a turbulent world, and there was even the crazy magician guy (for a few seasons, until replaced, when magic went out of fashion) But things follow a natural main course I guess.